Let me introduce myself and my family by starting with this bible verse, as it has spoken to my heart many, many times since Jackson went to heaven. As I attempt to help others on their journey and seek help of others MUCH wiser than me. Let us always pray this:
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting , for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.
I suppose one of my greatest fears as I begin this "blogging" journey is that I would speak my own mind to often and not speak the words the Lord would want me to speak. ( I have been told a time or two that I like to talk ;-) ) My prayer as I begin this blog is that I speak what is good and helpful to lift others up. I am no spelling/writing expert, let me just get that out there. I am using this blog basically so others can see our struggle and know they are not alone in their hurt, anger and suffering and to help others SEE how we struggle so they will better know how to pray for us who have lost a child. I am only a real mom showing my heart trying to make it to the day I see my beautiful son again. Here we go....
Tomorrow is "the" dreaded day. the anniversary date of when Jackson went to heaven. I have learned in the last 3 years that the days leading to any anniversary date seem to be as bad as the actual day (if not worse sometimes). I guess its the anticipation of knowing that we are about to be thrown or hurled backwards in time to the most horrendous day of our lives. On May 6th 2010 Jackson was killed in a freak accident. It was the eve before I was to graduate nursing school and 2 days before he would graduate pre school and head into the world of "real" school, kindergarden. Since that day, our family has never trusted, prayed or suffered more. Jackson is our oldest son, he was almost 6 when he went to heaven. We also have a daughter, Jenna, who was 3 at the time and 6 now. Since the accident God has given us another baby, a son we named Jett Layton he is 17 months old now.
I have been a Christian as long as I can remember. I thought I knew was faith was. I did not. Faith is what you dig (visualize digging in the deepest dirt with nothing but a spoon) out of the bottom of your soul in the darkest hour from the deepest darkest pit. Faith is what you hold on to when there is nothing else to hold on to. Faith is not faith until its ALL you have. There are many , many days that my faith is so tiny that I think it's disappeared the way our son did, here and strong and beautiful one moment and literally gone from our arms the next. I don't think any human on earth has Faith that never shakes or waivers, if so maybe his name would be Super Christian. On the days my faith is very, very small, God shows up. He may send me a friend, he may whisper a verse to my heart, he may send one of my kids in the room to do or say the most perfect thing. Sometimes it takes me days to get out of "the pit" when I allow myself to fall back in. So far I continue to make it out though, He never leaves US, His children, hopeless ( Its not just me, read the book of Job if you don't believe me!) As the years have passed God has shown himself to me various times. I stand in utter amazement every single time He does. He knows my faith (big or small that day)as he continues to show me great things through my faith, and through Him alone my family has survived this far. I cannot say that there are not days when I have chest pain so bad that I swear I cannot survive the ache of my empty arms. If you follow our journey you will see that hanging with me is like being on a roller coaster 90% of the time. There are dips so low that you think "is this thing broken?!" and then the ride shoots up so high you think we just may make it, only to free fall right back down again. There are times that I'm sure the stupid ride is broken and I start to get nauseous from the ups and downs. At the end of the day, the nausea is not common motion sickeness, but a deep, pure "homesick" feeling. Rev 21:4 "And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there will be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."