Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Five years later

Romans 16:20 
The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.

I usually really try to refrain from over sharing about my thoughts and what my personal suffering entails. I refrain because its hard for me to write (or say) and I'm sure it would be very hard to read such things for someone who has not been here. That being said, I am going to share some moments that may be a little more in depth and hard to read. I had this all written out and then I thought, "Lord how can my suffering and hard moments bring glory to you, I can't publish that!" Needless to say, He wanted me to share. I can't understand the ways that my words may be used, but he knows.......

The entire month of May is just really hard for me. This May marks 5 years since Jackson went to Heaven, Mothers day, my birthday, and it's the month my sister went to Heaven 19 years ago. This month brings with it lots of darkness and very bad  memories. 
There are some parts of "child loss" ( I HATE THAT PHRASE) that can't be shared with those who are not in this horrendous situation. It's too much, I mean, I live it and it's too much. I will however attempt to soften the feelings into words. If you know me at all you know that is very hard, I am a very raw and honest person so bare with me. 

Yesterday My 3 year old fell asleep at like 5pm. I knew he needed to wake up or he would never be able to sleep later. I literally HATE waking my kids up, I know what it will do to me. Every time I put my hand on my children's chest the first thing I feel is their beautiful hearts beating, that is not my intention, it is part of me now. I touch them to wake them or cuddle them and I feel their hearts and remember touching Jackson and not feeling his heart beat. The memories started flooding in of saying goodbye to Jackson, and it was just the last straw in the month of May landslide. I just got angry. What mother can't touch her other children without thinking of such a horrible moment? In that moment I felt the truth come over me. God knew, He knew I was being pushed and reminded by Satan's attack. He knew that I would not be able to stand against it, so He crushed it. As quickly as the darkness draped me sitting on the couch crying over my sleeping baby man, Jesus stepped in and the light met the dark. He stepped in and crushed Satan's schemes against my family 5 years ago when I asked him to, and He has not left my side since. He continues to show me His love and his presence even when I don't ask. 

He show's me himself through people, prayer, songs and scripture. I can't adequately describe how God has used my friends to combat darkness even 5 years later. There are not words to describe the love given to me from such amazing women. It absolutely matters in this spiritual battle who is in your army. I am fighting in the Lords army along side of some of the most amazing women. Five years ago I made a very conscience choice to surround myself with those who would build me up and point me to the cross. That was the best choice I made. I tell my daughter often that she must "Be a friend to have friends". Choose who you want to be in battle beside, it makes all the difference.  I love you all so much. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus. I am in awe of Him because of you.
***The photos posted on this blog are just SOME of the love I have been shown this month.

The point in me sharing such a private moment is really beyond me, I can't imagine God's ways to use this but I know He will. He presses me to share and I get no rest until I do it. 

"He Knows" Jeremy Camp

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering

He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free


Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He know