Monday, May 6, 2013
helpless is not hopeless
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
*please remember I am a Wife, Mother, and a Nurse. Not a professional writer. As evidenced by the punctuation and spelling below ;-p *
In my post yesterday I mentioned how I dread being "hurled" backwards to the day of the accident. I had forgotten how the details rush back as well. I always expect it to be horrible, but what I felt today as I was "hurled" back to that day caught me off guard. I think for a time the human brain shuts out some of the details of such great tragedy (AKA shock), mostly because there is no way we to would be able to survive daily living.....ever again.
Three years ago I got that call that nobody really thinks they will ever get. The call that my 5 year old son was in a tragic accident and that he was not breathing. As I drove as fast as my car would go to get to him, I remember having an overwhelming feeling of "urgent helplessness". I know that may not be a proper word, but there are no real words to explain that kind of panic state of mind and heart. I just knew that he had left this world, I felt a light go out in me and I knew. I know lots of mom's say that as well, it's a connection that should NEVER be broken.
Today I had to drive that same road, to take Jenna Claire to have her pictures made for dance. I knew it would be hard, my mind kept flashing back to the night my world broke off its axel. I recalled lots of things, yelling his name, yelling at God, just yelling. I also remember Jenna Claire. She never said a word, she just sat and stared out the window. What in the world could have been going through her tiny 3 year old brain? I think Jesus must have been comforting her, how else could she not have been crying or scared out of her mind at my behavior?
Many things went through my mind today as I drove that same highway I drove 3 years ago on that horrendous night. This time the same word kept popping in my head. So when we pulled in to the studio I wrote it on a napkin. The word may not mean much to you but it explains my feelings that night and my feelings 3 years later. That word is "Helpless". Please don't confuse my Helpless for Hopeless, they are not the same and I do not feel hopeless, not today anyway. I do still feel helpless pretty often. Helpless in that I don't know how to take the hurt away from my husband anymore than I can take if from myself. Helpless in that I cannot change the past no matter how hard I try. Helpless that 3 years later I don't know how to help others in this situation. I suppose there will be days that I just feel helpless, as I'm sure most of us do at some point or another. The trick I have learned is that feeling that way is okay for a time. It's okay to feel helpless , depressed, and broken. It's just not okay to lean on those feelings. We cant let a feeling define us. Feelings change day to day (If your me, moment to moment).We have to focus our eyes on Jesus, he is all the help we need. Though I feel helpless, I am not without a helper, I have the Holy Spirit and he LIVES in me. That is one feeling that has not and will not change.
As it turns out when Jackson left this world, our connection was not broken, I believe as I type this that I am very much still connected to my son. I have a major investment in Heaven. Maybe that's why I read any bible study I can on Heaven. I want to study up for my trip one day. If your child moved away to another country, would you not want to know all there is to know about it? Though our time was way to short on this Earth, I choose (sometimes through gritted teeth) to focus on Eternity. I hear people say all the time how time has gone by so fast, for me it will never be fast enough. I long for the day my entire family will be together for ETERNITY.
Thank you all so much for the prayers today and everyday.