Monday, April 6, 2015

Joyful in the sorrow

Lamentations 3:22-23
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Joyful in the sorrow: 

I have mentioned before that the change in seasons does very dark things to my spirit, and it seems it has an effect of most parents who are living without a child here on Earth. I'm not sure if its just the internal signal that we are marching on without our child (an essential part of our very being), or if it's just the constant reminder that while time is moving, at times we just can't. I think it must be both. At times like these I struggle to remember who I was "before" Jacksons accident. Who was that woman anyway? 
I know I have mentioned that I would love to time travel, knowing what I know now so that I would KNOW how intentional I need to be at loving my sweet boy. I know that will never happen but it does not keep me from wishing. Wishing I could remember every word we said to each other, or even to just know who I was back then. Was I a good mother to Jackson, did he know that he was my world? Oh time machine where are you! I suppose if I can't have a time machine I will just settle for a "timehop" on occasion.  I opened my "timehop" app yesterday knowing it would be a hard one since it was Easter. The photo that came up was from 6 years ago and it looked like strangers staring back at me. It was our family alright, but not our family, if that makes sense. It was Josh and I with Jackson and Jenna Claire. Now obviously our family has gone through tragic changes and it is not and will never be complete on this side of eternity. We now live here while Jackson lives in Heaven and since have been blessed with another child. But that's not the obvious change I'm referring to. This was subtle, not even noticed by anyone else I'm sure. We were all smiling holding Easter baskets. I was smiling with my sweet boy standing in front of me, but something was off. 
When I compared it to the one taken yesterday I would have thought we would look, less whole without Jackson, but we didn't. We looked HOPEFUL, and the realization of that made me feel guilty initially. I know guilt is not the reaction God intended, he showed me himself in the new photo. He showed me his mercy and his sacrifice in my face. He showed me his peace filling our lives with the knowledge that this is not the end of our story. It does not make the void of Jackson in our lives easier, but it gives us renewed hope. Today may be the day, the day we are all reunited. We have that hope in Christ and without His resurrection we would be lost, for eternity. Everyday I pray it will be the day my family will be together again, but without Christ that would not be possible. He alone is my rock, he is not done with me yet and so we press on. As off and as wrong as I feel right now, my story is not over, this is only a pass through. Only Jackson is home, we are still trying to get there. This is NOT our home. 

"In the midst of deep sorrow

I see your light is breaking through

The dark night will not over take me

I am pressing into you

Lord you fight my every battle

And I will not fear"

His glory was evident to me from one photo to the next. He knew I was struggling with the seasons and missing my boy terribly, He knew my heart without me telling Him. He saw me changing the flowers at the cemetery and He felt me fighting the pressing pain in my chest that threatens to open. That kind of pain that comes only with seeing your child's name on a headstone in a cemetery. He was with me. He see's me trying to maintain some type of "normalcy" when I am screaming inside.  You may believe in coincidence but I believe in my Jesus. He used a silly app called"timehop" to show me that He is living in me even when I can't feel him. He wanted to remind me how far we have come, more, how close we are to eternity, how much He loves us and does not want to see us suffer. He showed me himself in my own face and in my husbands face, there is joy where there should be none. There is joy in the midst of the pain. SEE if for yourself below. There is power in the name of Jesus, call on him and see if I am wrong. 

I will continue to seek out Joy in the midst of sorrow. I may not do it well, but I never have to do it alone. As the body we do it together. We have to seek Him or we will never stand in this evil world, we were never made to stand alone and I do NOT. 
Thank you for praying us through these times of deep pain. 

Kari Jobe:  
"When I walk through deep waters
I know that you will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
Oh I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see your light is breaking through
The dark night will not over take me
I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as your own
You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You have always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul"