Sunday, June 30, 2013

Heaven's Horses

Job 39:19-35
19 "Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? 20 Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? 21 He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. 22 He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. 23 The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. 24 In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds. 25 At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!' He catches the scent of battle from afar, the shout of commanders and the battle cry.   

There are times in life when things just feel "off". This time of year is always that way for me. Jackson would be 9 years old this month on July 29th. I have mentioned before that the time leading up to an anniversary is as bad for me, if not worse than the actual day itself. Somehow birthdays seem to make me feel the most bitter. I think its because I feel like people have forgotten my cowboy. Recently one of his buddies had a birthday party and it looked like so much fun. They had one of those huge blow up water slides and a bunch of boys running around, a bunch of boys and not one of them was my boy. Later one of the parents whose child was there went on and on about how much fun it was. All the while I had to just avoid eye contact. I know the parent meant no harm, but it was evident that they were not considering that Jackson was not there.
Face book is also not a good place for me to be when all the parents and friends start wishing all the kids Jackson's age "Happy birthday!" and "I can't believe he/she is 9!". While these people are celebrating  their child our hearts are breaking. Let me be clear in that I am past the point of taking these things personal, I use to feel like the child's party or birthday  was being thrown in my face in a sense. Now it just makes me feel.....I don't know, jealous and sad I suppose. I want to be on face book saying "Cowboy Jackson is 9 !" instead I'll probably just post yet another pic of his last birthday, Cowboy Jackson is forever 5 and that makes me ill.
Many of you may know that my sweet Jenna Claire won 1st place in a barrel race this weekend (GO JC !! ). It has been very hard for me to allow her to even ride horses, and even harder to watch her fall in love with her pony and SEE the joy that she gets from knowing she had a good run. Its not fair for me to not want her to ride, she wants to ride and she is not Jackson. Its not fair to punish her because I live in fear that she will get hurt. I never have really given her a reason that I don't want her to ride and she has never really asked. I go to the barrel races and support her, but it's hard and I'm sure it's evident. That arena was where my cowboy took his last breath and that makes me literally sick, sick to the point that I need to grab my kids and run. Run away from any part of a life that my son loved, because even though he loved being a cowboy, its part of the reason he is not here.
Every time Jenna Claire runs her pony, I have to go to the horse trailer and hold her when it's over. At times all I can think is "this is so dumb, why are we letting her do this when it causes me such anxiety???" the answer is because she loves it.
On the way home from her big win this weekend, the baby fell asleep and Jenna Claire and I were just talking about her pony. Here is the conversation in a nutshell.
JC: " mom why are so scared when I ride?" 
Me: "because I know bad things really do happen and I'm afraid you will get hurt."
JC: "well, you do know Jackson still rides right? he never stopped. "
Me: "I suppose he does ride in heaven, is that what you mean?"
JC: "I don't think he rides, I KNOW he does."
That was that. She was 100% sure and I didn't ask her how, she already stressed that she KNOWS he continues to ride horses. I believe after that talk that she feels close to her brother when she rides, she has often said it makes her feel like she is flying. She always wants to talk about Jackson after she rides. It's a sweet reminder and for her it keeps her brother alive in her heart. I wonder again about that book I mentioned last week, I wonder if Jackson does watch her ride. When I think about it, I'm almost positive he does. I don't think she would get near the joy out of it if she didn't feel him.
I choose to believe that somehow Jenna really does KNOW that Jackson still rides. After all if you look up how many times horses are mentioned in the bible, you will SEE how the Lord obviously has the most almighty horses in heaven. What a beautiful sight when we see the Lord coming on his white horse. I'm betting Jackson will be on a horse as well, since its obvious to my 6 year daughter that old that her brother never stopped riding.

Revelations 19:11
I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

No man's land

~Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand

I have been having to drive to work in Jonesboro a lot the last month. I hate that drive because it's idle time and that's never good for me. I am reminded about a time shortly after Jackson went to Heaven and I was working at the hospital in Jonesboro. I would think on my home in the morning's (I worked 6p-6a) that if I just missed a curve and drove off nobody would suspect I just didn't care. They would think I fell asleep. My fear was only that I would survive it and probably just be mangled for life. Those kind of memories don't just pop up and disappear so I can go on with my work day. They leave a dark cloud, the constant reminder of a time that I had no desire to be alive without my son. I know I have talked before about being in a very bad place mentally and spiritually but I don't think it can be explained with words. The only way to know what hell on earth is , is to be the one living it. I try to explain it and share it so that you won't feel so alone if God forbid you are there or you are helping someone who is living it. I don't share because I enjoy talking about it, but I am moved to share by my God who saved me from that pit. 
The pit is full of darkness and it makes your outward appearance almost as dark. It is all consuming and I will never understand how anyone can live through it without Christ. I can only imagine that they live with bitterness and confusion on a daily basis. I was listening to KLOVE on my way to work this morning (in Jonesboro). They were playing a new song by Natalie Grant, called Hurricane. They did the artist interview where the singer tells a little about the song and what it means to them. Natalie said that when she was in a very dark place she was reminded of the bible story in Matthew 14:29
29 Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

She pointed out that Jesus did not stop the storm at that moment, he simply reached out his hand to save Peter. The point is that Jesus had the wind and rain at his command, he could have just stopped the madness and Peter would have been fine. He CHOSE to reach out through the storm to Peter. That's an amazing picture to me.
In the midst of my personal darkness it was not like a raging storm more of an eerie quietness. I was very paranoid and very lonely. I have a friend who is not suffering the loss of a child but is none the less living spiritual warfare and physical suffering. I emerged from my pit with a brand new pair of eyes to SEE how people hurt. I see her pain and it puts me on my knees. I have no idea how God works but I know He does. I am not even a reflection of who I was before the accident. I was just as saved then as I am today. But I'm a completely different woman inside now. I understand things that I didn't before and I love total strangers like they are my BFF's. I want to be clear though, the change in me did not happen overnight, it's still happening. It started when I had Jett Layton on Dec 2, 2011 and has not stopped yet. I didn't understand what it meant to grow and mature spiritually but now I SEE.  These people suffering all around us (like my friend) they need us. They need us to pray when they can't and to stand when they can't to believe when they cannot. Its perfectly human to have doubt and to just be.....well, mad!
~Mark 9:24 With tears flowing, the child's father at once cried out, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"
There are times in a believers life that they are absolutely consumed and that's where other believers need to step up. I can tell you this with 100 % honesty, I absolutely would not be the person I am today without my prayer warriors. I would cry and scream this verse (mark 9:24) at God because I knew God but I could not believe. I could not believe my God would take my son and cause my family so much agony. We were being ripped apart from the inside so where was God? He was having our prayer warriors hit their knees for us and cry out on our behalf. I feel honored now to be called to pray for others the way I was prayed for. I cannot stress how much it means and how much its our duty. I want to close with this quote, its one of my favorites.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

Monday, June 24, 2013

The perfect puzzle

~Luke 11: 1-4 Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.”
So He said to them, When you pray, say:
Our Father in heaven
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us day by day our daily bread.
And forgive us our sins,
For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.”
I grew up going to a Cumberland Presbyterian church where this prayer was said often so I learned it at an early age. However, I just recently learned to pray it as I understand the actual meaning and don't just recite it. This is the absolute perfect prayer for lots of reasons number one being that Jesus specifically said "When you pray, say:" That should be enough but I think this prayer is probably not used as often as it should be. When I break it down and read it I see this: Lord in Heaven your name is Holy, Let your kingdom come down and be on Earth what it is in Heaven, Let your will be done for us. give us food today and forgive us for our sins as you help us learn to forgive others. Keep us from temptation and save us from the evil one.
Keep in mind that I am no bible scholar and this is JUST WHAT I SEE when I read this. What do you see when you read it? Maybe it's like the rest of the bible in that it speaks differently to different people. I probably see the Kingdom of Heaven coming down because that is what I long for most, to be whole again, and to be near my Savior. Maybe you will relate more to being kept safe from the evil ones temptations. The  beauty of the bible and this prayer is that its THE living word! There is nothing that we need to know that is not in there. The bible is not a total history book of the Earth, its a guide to our salvation and it lives today and everyday. It will teach us how to live and how to be alive.
There is also a lot that I wish was included in the bible. I understand what I type, that the word is a guide to how we can be alive and be free! However, it's like everything else I still have my "why's" hanging around. For instance (you knew it was coming right?) . Why does my will for this life have to be so different than God's ? There is a reason for that, the reason is that I am only human and I can only SEE one tiny piece of the puzzle. Think about how small of a piece one life is compared to all the other lives that have been or will be! The beauty is that one life (or puzzle piece) has the potential to affect thousands and thousands of pieces, ultimately finishing the perfected work of the most perfect artist. Without one single tiny piece the puzzle is not complete. He needs us, but He needs us to do His work so the puzzle will be perfect in the end. If each of us had an easy, pain free life how would that effect others and bring them to Christ? How could the perfect unscathed human life bring hope to another? Our lives here are sometimes broken, full of heartache, and physical and emotional pain that is at times unbearable, but it's all for a purpose. 
The truth is (and this is not news to anyone who knows me personally)I have always hated puzzles.  My kids have zero puzzles in my home and not a soul who knows me would dare give them one. I don't have the patience to keep digging through the huge pile to find the right piece. Then I think "who cares its just gonna be the picture on the box when we get done slaving away, I already know what it will be!" Its a pointless mess in my opinion. The difference is that we don't know what God's masterpiece puzzle will look like. It looks like a pointless mess to us but you can bet it will be beautifully broken in spots and utterly perfect.  We will SEE the puzzle complete and I dare to say that I believe it will be in my lifetime. Maybe that's because I want it so badly.
~Philippians 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Seeing is not believing

Matthew 18:1-4
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "who is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven?" he called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore  however humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Tonight Jenna Claire (6) rode in the barrel race and won 2nd place on her pony! She had an amazing run and she was so excited. I couldn't help but think about how proud Jackson would be of her. When she was very small I recall how excited Jackson would get when she was able to accomplish something new. "MOM, Jenna just opened the fridge ALL by herself!!" I mean he was such a great big brother. He would truly be excited saying "Yay sister you did it!" It breaks my heart that Jenna Claire and Jett are being robbed of that kind of support in their big brother.
I used to firmly believe that people in Heaven could not see us here on Earth, nor would they want to. I have been questioning this theory more and more lately, almost on a daily basis. I think I must have placed that belief on Rev 21:4 (my favorite verse in the entire bible) It specifically says there will be no more tears in Heaven. I guess I just assumed that if Jackson could see that he was separated from us it would cause him pain and I know there is NO pain in Heaven.
I don't fully think that way anymore. I think God may give them glimpses of us when it's the good stuff, like Jenna Claire placing in the barrel race. I am not sure of that, but its a feeling I have now. I am reading a book written by an author who works in a Children's hospital and counsels the family's of dying children. She wrote the book to tell of the wonderful faith of those children and the encounters some of them had as their time on earth grew short. One story struck a cord with me. There was boy who had 5 little sisters, he was 10 years old and he was dying of a rare blood disease. He was a wonderful big brother and his little sisters all absolutely adored him. This boy was not afraid to die, his fear was leaving his little sisters. He said he felt his purpose in life was to help guide his little sisters and he was torn about leaving them to go to Heaven. The counselor was paged by the hospital one morning to this child's room. He was very close to death and he wanted to see her. He proceeded to tell her that Jesus had visited him and told him not to be afraid for his sisters, that he would be allowed to guide them from Heaven when needed. This boy drew a picture of he and Jesus looking down on his sisters and that little boy was able to let go and go to Heaven.
Now I don't know what that boy saw, but I guarantee he saw Jesus. There is no peace on Earth like the peace only Christ can give. I have no doubt Jesus Himself told that sweet boy to let go and that his sisters would be taken care of. This particular story of many in this book really got me thinking again about what the people in Heaven see. There are many amazing accounts this woman shares in the book about children seeing angels and talking to them right before death. There is no doubt that those children saw peace, not one of them was afraid for themselves. They were all concerned about the family they were leaving behind.
We have so much to learn, we need to learn it from children. The reason we can't see angels among us is because we are so jaded by what the world tells us we should be able to see. I told Jenna Claire that there are mermaids in the lake we go to because she likes mermaids and its fun story. When we are riding along in the boat we will point and say "Look I just saw one jump out of the water!"She loves the thought of that and she believes that because no one has told her that mermaids are not real. The reason people don't experience the love and peace of Christ is because they are to worried that He won't or can't do what He says He will do. We are to grown up, and that's the problem. I think I'm able to SEE things a little more clear because of my longing to learn anything I can about the place I'm headed. My son is there, and that part of me is there. I know its real because part of me LIVES there. I would feel it in my bones if it were not so. I believe it because I have seen Christ in my despair and let me tell you HE LIVES. We do not serve a dead God, our God is alive and as Jenna Claire sings on a daily basis "He's living on the inside roaring like a lion!" She knows that and Jackson knew it, because they feel him and no one has dared tell them it's a lie. If you don't believe come talk to me, I know Him. We have to resist the temptation to understand everything. We don't need to understand it we need to trust Him and believe Him. When the time comes and I take my very last breath I know where I will be when my eyes open again. I can assure you this is not all there is, and I'll say and AMEN to that any day.

John 20:27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach our your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."

Sunday, June 16, 2013

The "guilt sand"

1 Peter 5:8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour

I have been frequently asked about the guilt of loosing a child. People ask how we live with that or if it ever goes away. So here's my thoughts on "the guilt".
Lord be with me and guide my words on this painful topic, painful for my family and countless others. Give me peace and guidance, Lord give me words to speak that are not mine but the words you would have me share. Amen.

The guilt is something that plagues all of us in this horrible group of parents living without our child. Guilt creeps in no matter how old or in what way our child died. Its because when we have our kids we are responsible for their well being, to keep them safe from harm no matter the cost. That's not the way things turned out for us or countless others. While its obvious that almost any parent I know including myself would gladly step in front of a bullet for our child, that's typically not the way it happens( nor are any of us offered that choice.) If you think you can be everywhere and know it all in order to keep your child safe, you are sadly mistaken.
There are those of us in this situation whose child got very ill and went to heaven, there are those of us whose child went to heaven very quickly and tragically.
For those who had a child fall ill with cancer or any other disease. You are not super parents with x-ray vision to see inside your child's body to know that they are ill. You were in no way responsible for not getting them to the doctor in time or not noticing symptoms earlier. For that matter we would all live in the doctors office if we took our child for every little symptom. You are NOT responsible and you could have done NOT ONE THING to change the outcome.
For those of us whose child went to heaven very quickly and tragically.....this is very, very hard for me as this is the group I'm in with many others. We are not all knowing and there is no way we could have known this was going to happen or it would not have happened. No words we could have said to our child would have changed a single thing. It may have been a car accident, ATV accident or an absolute freak accident of any kind. See the key word here, is ACCIDENT. I'm pretty sure that word is a human word, I do not believe in accidents. That would mean what, that maybe God had his head turned for that split second? No, He most certainly did not. While its a horrible, unthinkable, tragic accident here on Earth in Heaven it was known long before that child was even born.
This goes back to what I have said countless times, I do not believe God took our children to punish us or to grow us. If that is true what of murderers and child rapist who never get caught and live this life free and easy? That makes no sense what so ever. Again I refer to the entire book of Job, was he not a good servant and still suffered more than any of us? it is not punishment These are thoughts the enemy, Satan wants us to have. You see, if he keeps us down with guilt and "what if's" then we are not bringing others to Christ and we are not living out the life God calls us to lead. We are walking through quick sand virtually getting no where and all the while sinking in the "guilt sand".
There is not one single thing my husband or I could have done on May 6th 2010 to save Jackson's life. It was already done on Heaven's time and it just had to be lived out here. This is very heart wrenching for me and no I do not comprehend it myself to even type but I believe it to be true with every bone in my body. I know my God and I know that He held us and he continues to hold us. He hurts for me when I hurt and He did NOT take our son to punish us. We have to continue to pray through the guilt and cry out to Jesus. He already knows our thoughts and He knows we are angry and confused. Do not let the enemy tell you that you should have noticed something was wrong with your child, that is not true! "You should have been paying attention", "you should have been a better parent". That is what Satan wants us to believe, that is a lie. Until you SEE Christ for who he is you will never see Satan for who he is. He is a liar and he lives to tear us to pieces. Who is more vulnerable then a parent who has lost a child? Not one soul is. That's who he thrives on, those of us who desperately search for the answers. We have to get in the word, never more than while we suffer so that we can try and grasp the truth! The answers will never be fully known here, but when you know who God is you learn the difference in lies and truth. Here is a quote that says it better than I can:

"The reason Satan tries to deceive us, is to get us to believe something that is simply not true. Believers who are ignorant of God's Word are more likely to be deceived and if they begin to accept Satan's lies as truth, the devil will start to build a stronghold in their minds. A stronghold is an incorrect thinking pattern based upon error and lies that a person has received as truth."

When I say I feel your pain, I physically feel it and I live it every single day. This is a very hard topic for me as I to am obviously plagued with guilt. There are many days still that I begin to sink in the guilt sand but as I cry out to Jesus he never fails to pull me out and remind me that there was nothing we could have done, NOT ONE THING. Does knowing the truth of who Christ is keep my from the pain of my loss? no it doesn't. But it keeps me from living in lies and it keeps me able to live and not just exist. 

~Job 42:1-2 Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Choosing to be a Dad

~1 Corinthians 13 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.~

This blog is a little different from the others. I only type what I feel led to type and this is it for today. If you have or are a step parent you may appreciate this one :)

With fathers day approaching I have a lot on my mind. I get a little emotional around Fathers Day because I am so blessed. My Dad made a choice 30 something years ago to be my Dad. I am not his by birth, but the fact that he actually chose me is just now hitting me. I always knew he loved me, but I never thought about how hard the decision to marry a woman with 2 kids was. My own Father was never really part of my life by his own choice. The Lord blessed me in that I never really dwelled on that though. I was just so thankful and so fulfilled by the Dad he sent me and I still am.
Without that choice my kids would have no grandfather, without that choice I would in no way be who I am today. My parents work together, they make each other better which makes them the best parents and role models any kid could have. Thank God my kids get to see that!
When I think about that kind of love it blows me away. When your own child is born you instantly love them because they are yours and you have waited 9 long months for them! When a step parent chooses to love a child like their own that is beyond me. To love another man's child and raise her to love the Lord is the most honorable thing I think of.
That kind of sacrifice reminds me of the lyrics of a song I love, "The proof of Your Love" by for King and Country:
So let my life be the proof the proof of your love.
Let my love look like you and what you're made of.
How you lived, how you died. Love is sacrifice.
So let my life be the proof,
Today those lyrics remind me of all the parents who make choices to love a child that is not biologically theirs. That kind of love is not natural, it defies everything society teaches and proves what God can do. I do make it a habit to pray that my life will somehow be the proof of Gods love to someone else, and this song fits that prayer perfectly. My Dad's choice is certainly proof of Gods love.
As Christians we are called to love people, all people. Not because something may possibly be gained by our love, but to love because that's how we were designed. Read that verse again in 1 Corinthians 13, WOW. No matter what we do in this life we are literally NOTHING if we don't love. It doesn't matter if we are missionaries, food pantry volunteers, compassion child sponsors, foster parents, none of that. None of that matters if we don't love. I don't think this stands true for family and friends those people are easy and natural to love. I think this speaks of strangers and those who are hard to love (I know you want to break out singing that country song now, go ahead...Hard to love, hard to love no I don't make it easy...), I think this means that we are to SHOW our love and not just preach it. When Christ comes back for me I hope he finds me taking out someone's trash for them.
As you celebrate Fathers Day this year look back at all the love your Dad showed you, all the wisdom he showed, all the things he did for you that he never had to do. He did it because he loves you and we should do things for others because that's what our Father God and our Dad's taught us !

Friday, June 7, 2013

Journey to joy

Psalm 63:3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

I was sitting outside with the kids yesterday and watching them play. I recall a time when I could never see myself doing that again. I was so blinded by grief and total devestation that I could not see myself ever enjoying anything again. So many people say that time heals all wounds but I'm guessing whoever said that meant physical wounds. Heart and soul wounds are not that way. They do not heal the way a cut does. A cut will heal and probably just leave a faint scar as a reminder that you were ever wounded.  A wound to a parents heart and soul does not work that way. The wound does not heal but the pain changes over time. The wound is constant but it becomes part of you in that you are able to do more than one thing at a time. I hurt day and night that Jackson is not here, but I'm able to clean the house and hurt. I get short of breath at the realization of our loss but I'm able to watch Jenna Claire play a t-ball game at the same time. In the beginning the wound is all consuming and the pain is so intense that it's all you can do to breath. In time you are able to hurt and do small things like take a shower. Before you know it you wake up and walk to the kitchen for coffee and realize "The pain was not the first thing on my mind today" though the pain is still there its less crippling. Then you feel guilty because the realization that your life is still moving is painful. As parents we don't desire to go on here without our child, it’s the most unnatural thing that can happen.

The thing about it is that we have no choice in the fact that we must go on, it's not our time yet. The choice we do have is to live the life God wants for us to live or to live the life the enemy would have us think we must live. I think I was somewhere in the middle of those 2 for over a year at least after the accident. I knew God loved me and did not want me to be so depressed that it physically hurt me to move. I knew that God was hurt at the sight of me, I felt that. I knew my son was living, he was just living somewhere else for now. However the fog was too thick and the pain was too real and I think that is absolutely acceptable. I think that for a time our body just goes into survival mode and it does all it can do to keep us alive despite our hearts desire to just stop. Our human will is gone but Gods will is alive.

THAT is how I know I'm changed. I remember those feelings but I don't feel that ache to just not be alive anymore. While it's true that I still ache to be with Jesus and have Him make it all new for us, I also have a strong ache to live the life my God has chosen for me. If I stop and give in to the lie the enemy would have me believe I'm wasting the gift God has given me.  We are all gifted no matter what we have suffered. We bring something to Gods table. For me I have the gift to share my pain and struggle with others who are suffering, the gift of a mouth that never shuts up in order to spread His love, the gift of healing, the gift of total empathy for others who hurt, the gift of being a wife and mother, the gift of understanding others grief.

While I am still so far from where I need to be, I’m sure not where I was. I am also not who I was before the accident. Everything in my life is classified by one moment “before” and “after”. That will never change but it doesn’t have to keep me from being who God planned for me to be. Am I mad about it, sure I am! I would go back and be who I was in a minute to have my life back but that’s not a choice. So I pick the best of the 2 choices I was given, I choose to live.  I choose to try so hard to live a life worthy of my savior. There are people who feel so alone right now. They are facing a pain that they never knew a human could withstand without dying from it. Those people need to know they can survive. They need to SEE they have a choice. When the moment comes that they realize the pain was not the first thing on their mind, I want to be here. I want to be here to help them SEE the real choice. They need to survive in order to share their gifts whatever they may be. They need to live the life our savior means for them to live.

If we just let go and let God,all things are possible even the absolutely will find joy.


~Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. Psalm 143:10