Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Thanksgiving coaster

Exodus 14:14
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Its the most wonderful time of the year right? It's a time for family and friends and getting ready for Christmas. Most of us are shopping, decorating, being thankful, eating good food, and spending much needed time off work with family.
Some of us are not, some of us are struggling to be okay while the huge elephant in the room continues to remind us of what we are NOT thankful for.
Today I am trying to focus on what God has given me, and not what has been taken from me. That looks so much better as I type it than it actually feels. Its the old roller coaster ride that just won't stop (picture space mountain at Disney World) , right when I know I'm about to get sick from the ride it levels out and I think " I can do this" and then it steams ahead into that dreaded dark tunnel where I can't SEE to anticipate the twist and turns or the drop off's I know are waiting ahead. The unknown is terrifying yet I know the tunnel has an ending, I have been on this coaster before....every season that has passed without my son I board the roller coaster wanted or not it takes me on this ride.

Today I have decided to look around me instead of focusing on the paralyzing fear and sickness the ride causes, yes the tunnel is dark but there are hundreds, maybe thousands of tiny lights like stars shining all around me. I can't look forward searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, it's not visible yet and doing so only makes me more fearful of what is ahead. When I close my eyes and SEE the tiny stars I see what all those tiny lights in the dark represent. I see that my mom is here to spend time with us and cook the most wonderful dinners every night for us. I see my baby son, Jett growing from a baby to a little man with his  birthday coming in less than 5 days he will be 2 ! I see my daughter Jenna Claire making dinner with my mom so beautiful and full of light.  I see my husband, hard working and handsome the best partner I could ask for. I see my sister decorating my house for Christmas because God knew he did not give me the crafty gene in the family (seriously). I see my Dad and sister headed back to Wynne, Arkansas from Texas to spend Thanksgiving with us. I see Jackson innocent and beautiful waiting for me in Heaven. Most importantly I I SEE and FEEL my savior sitting in the seat next to me on this ride and I know I will get off soon, He will stop the roller coaster, he always does.

The holidays are so hard when your brain is is foggy and you see so many people who seem so happy and so blessed. We have to try so hard to focus on the blessings WE have been given. Its the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to seek happiness when my heart aches so badly. It feels so very wrong to go on without Jackson but we were not given the choice, however we were given hope. Its a long road and it makes us beyond miserable at times and that is so okay! Eventually though, we absolutely must get back up and continue to be the light of Christ. I will continue to praise in the storms of the holidays and in the hurricanes that come with no warning even with no holiday in sight. The pain of living will forever be part of me as long as I'm separated from my son. I will say its hard, its harder than anything a human should have to do but as my mom always said "It is what it is" we can't change it, we have to trust and wait with Hope that maybe next Thanksgiving we will be with the Lord and our loved ones....ALL of them.

I know I have mentioned that everyday I wake up with a song in my heart. This morning it was a sad song, reminding me of the quiet loneliness that is now part of me. Just now, as I sat down to write this post God changed the song in my heart as I wrote. He changed it to Josh Wilsons "Pushing back the dark". Here are the lyrics to the song I sing as I write this.

"Pushing Back The Dark"

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah

None of us are alone in this, we have to keep pushing back the darkness in that horrible roller coaster tunnel. Look for the stars (our blessings) in that tunnel, they are there and thank the God who put them there. Just breath. I love each and everyone of you, I'm so sorry that some of us are destined to hurt like we do. There is an end, just keep pushing and remind me to keep pushing as well. Cry and be mad, but get up and push back and please pray that I can do the same. 

Deut. 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you

                         A few of my blessing shining in the darkness this Thanksgiving. 

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