Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Have you ever driven in super dense fog and just had to pull over because it was so thick you could not see in front or behind you? That is how I feel lately, like I'm in a fog that has compromised my vision and it's closing in like the darkest night. I know it's just fog and it will lift, but pulling over to wait it out I think I got stuck. The fog will clear, it always does but when?
The feeling like life or this "fog" is closing in around me never comes on over night, its a slow process that I usually feel coming on. It starts with an extreme anxiety that things are just "not right" and slowly moves to the realization that things will never "be right" because my son is gone from this Earth. Next I start to envy happy people and begin to close them off because quite frankly I don't want to talk and honestly have nothing to say. I am not oblivious to the fog I am stuck in, I'm just stuck or paralyzed for the moment. I used to try and fight my way out, now I really believe I have to pray and wait to out. The struggle exhausts me and leaves me even more emotionally drained than just waiting and being still. I believe that grief has to take it toll on us when it rears it's ugly head. Fighting it and trying to pretend everything is okay is just not healthy for any of us who struggle for breath. I suppose its really just back to the basic's of the stages of grief, you don't just go through them and then its over. It happens over and over, probably until we die or Jesus comes to save us all.
I'm only sharing this current struggle because I feel pushed to share, maybe because the Lord thinks it will help me to write it down, or maybe someone else needs to know they are not alone in this heavy fog. You may not see me or any other person in the fog but we are here too. None of us are here alone.
Its hard for me to describe the emotions that come with this current fog because its more like being emotionless. Just numb and paralyzed forced to be still and be quiet. There is no rushing fog to lift, you have no choice but to wait it out. If you try to drive in it you will not get very far, or worse you may crash for lack of vision.
I guess a mothers heart will continue to go back through the motions of the grief process as long as her heart beats and her child is not here. It's the most un natural thing that can occur in life so I suppose its only natural to feel so out of sorts at the strangest times. That feeling of forgetting something, the feeling of bitterness at other peoples happiness, the guilt and frustration at not being able to keep your child safe, the urge to just lay it all down and be done fighting. These feelings are our "new normal", but we as long as we realize that the fog will lift eventually and Jesus will make a clearing we will make it through.
As a mom living life here while my son in living in Heaven I can say this, I do have joy. My life is not always wandering in the fog waiting for it to lift or paralyzed with bitterness and guilt. I laugh and joke with my friends and family, I am not lost in the fog. The fog will lift when I allow Jesus to lift me out of it. It will become less thick until I can SEE again and am able to start moving forward again. I will finish this race and I will hear my savior's voice saying "you made it, you finished and your home." Until that day I will spin my wheels in the fog when it hits and I will laugh and play when the sky is clear. I will wait, not always with patience but I will wait. I am forced to wait out this fog and then pray the next one will be less dense.
Psalm 130:5-6
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.
I will end with the lyrics of the song in my heart today. I wake every single morning with a new song in my heart, as soon as I wake I hear it in my head and I pray. Here is today's.
"Worn"
I’m
Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
Me and my sweet boy
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
Me and my sweet boy
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