Struggling to be jolly

Okay ladies and gentleman, this is a pretty personal blog. Its more of me just talking through some very hard stuff. I needed to get it out. When I feel like I'm about to explode the Lord moves me to share it, to get it out, to help someone else. I just read back what I wrote and it's a hard one to share for me. I'm not big on bearing my soul ya know?  I know I am called to say the hard stuff, so here comes the back and forth torn and worn thoughts of my heart.

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you
Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

This is the 4th Christmas we will spend without Jackson, its actually harder on me than last year. I think it may be because I'm still struggling to grasp a life without my son while others have "moved on". I suppose that's only natural but it doesn't make it any easier, in fact it makes it worse. The 1st and 2nd year holidays people seemed to sense why I was so down, now I'm just "in a bad mood". I'm not in a bad mood by choice, and I'm actually in no mood at all. Its that numb / worn down feeling that can't be shaken off , it can only be dealt with by sleep and praying. I can't stand to be awake truthfully when I'm this worn down from breathing without my son here.
I'm sick with a horrible headache that I'm sure is actually that my heart is just broken. Its exhausting and I'm just tired in my spirit. I know I need to keep going and I know I can't stay in bed but truthfully that's what I need, to just lay down and let it pass.
When you have kids, its not about what you or I need anymore though is it? I can't sleep all day because I have a job. I can't stay under the covers in the recliner until Christmas passes because I have 2 more children who need to enjoy Christmas with both of their parents. I want to be here mentally to enjoy the sweet blessing my Father has given me here on Earth. I don't want to look back and see myself in the recliner mentally drowning, I can't do that. My Jesus never intended that for me, He didn't.

I was looking at the movie "cars" for Jett for Christmas, he really likes it. Then I thought, I bet Jackson would like those wall decals........or not. Jackson would not like because I'm sure its to babyish for a 9 year old boy right? but what would he like? I won't know this side of the cross will I? That is a sick feeling, its just wrong on so many levels that I don't need to get myself started. I didn't get to watch my son grow into a young man and figure out who he is. I just don't, I got robbed and no it's not fair but it still just is.

The more I thought about what Jackson would like, I started really wondering. What will he be like when I see him again? Will he be 2 months shy of 6 years old still ? I like to think that he will be just as he was, perfect. I want to be with my 5 year old cowboy and I want him to tell me in his excited voice "MOM! Come see what Jesus has over here its super duper cool!" while dragging me by the hand, as if no time has passed. I need to feel that, I need Jesus to keep feeding me those visions because I would not be able to keep my head above water, this hurricane is drowning me. Treading water is exhausting, I'm sure you have done it before. I feel like I'm fighting the current but that's the way life is when its just all wrong. I, along with anyone else who is living on Earth without their child am living life wrong. Not wrong as in "right vs wrong" wrong as in " man this is SO WRONG". More of a feeling than a label. Things will never feel quite right for us, but things will be okay.
It doesn't feel like I will ever be okay again, but I feel like this in every Hurricane. Hurricane Christmas 2013 is no different. I will fight, go under water, pop back up and go right back to fighting that current. That's what my life is now, a battle field. Satan wants nothing more than for me to just let that current drown me, and drown my faith. Its not happening, its never gonna happen. I am human and I am a doubter, a sinner, I question my maker. BUT my faith will not be shaken. I can ask why." why us Lord?"  for 100 years and it won't change a thing. God himself can come sit beside me at this table and tell me exactly why he allowed my life to turn out this way, but it wouldn't take the pain away. I try very intentionally never to get stuck on the "why's" that seems to be Satan's favorite place to pounce on me. Now I just pray 2 simple words "Come quickly". Lord come quickly.


In true Ronnie form, as I write this journal entry, a song is playing in my mind. I never ever doubt that my savior gives me these songs (and so much more), especially because these are words I have said many many times. I'm just worn. I will share it because I'm in love with Tenth avenue North's song writer. He is gifted beyond what he knows with words, and we all know how I love lyrics. Here you go:

"Worn"I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn
http://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM