6 years later

 

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer

I am not an emotional person, I'm not typically a crier and I don't usually get excited (good or bad) outwardly. I learned at a very early age to just keep it in, I'm not sure if that's a gift or a curse. It certainly results in total devastation when the dam that holds back the emotions breaks. There are times that I think I should be crying, (as in a totally appropriately sad situation)but I just can't. I also get very uncomfortable when there is a lot of emotion flying around, mostly because I just can't deal. I suppose I am just basically socially awkward at times, I am a work in progress no doubt!

I said all of that to say this, yesterday the dam broke and let me tell you, hoover had nothing on Ronnie's emotional dam. 

Jackson's birthday is Friday and I felt the numbness and the lack of caring what is happening around me settling in. That is a gift I believe, to protect me from the pain of constantly realizing my child won't be here to celebrate or to even turn 12 years old. He is forever almost 6. I went to the cemetery because I felt pulled (mothers instinct I suppose) to be near him. I don't go there much at all because I know in my very bones that he is NOT there, he is in Heaven and not even studying his earthly birthday!Yet my flesh was longing for his flesh. As I sat in my car just staring at his name on headstone, I felt that old familiar crushing pain in my chest. That pain that is my heart trying to beat despite not being whole anymore, the pain of not understanding "why me?". And then the tears came and I can't describe the pain and loneliness I felt, there just are no words. Then the rain came, it was literally pouring from the sky. As I looked out the window covered in rain I felt this scripture whispered into my heart and mind:

John 11:35

Jesus wept

I am not saying that the rain was just for me, but who is to say is wasn't? Maybe God used the rain to speak to my lonely heart in that moment. I was able to raise my head and I no longer felt alone in that moment. The crying did not cease and neither did the tears, my breath did not come back immediately either.  I simply knew that I was not alone and for that moment, it was enough. I watched it rain, I cried for the life my son doesn't get to have,  and I grieved hard for my husband and other children. I did all of this while watching it rain and knowing that Jesus cries with us and he was hurting with me. 

Thanks for traveling this crazy journey with me, I know it's hard to read but I also know that sharing is what God wants me to do. May he use my grief for his glory and may he PLEASE return soon!

NEEDTOBREATHE, Be here long:

And though my heart may be in pieces

My mind is still set on you

And though I can't keep it together

I know that you want me to

Oh I'm swimming in the grief

and there's no anchor that hold me down

And I don't want any relief 

'cause i don't want to let you go right now 

Close my eyes and think of you

Go to sleep and dream of you

We don't get to be here long