Sunday, October 6, 2013

Watching and Waiting

Psalm 104:1-35                    
Bless the Lord, O my soul! O Lord my God, you are very great! You are clothed with splendor and majesty, covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters; he makes the clouds his chariot; he rides on the wings of the wind; he makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire. He set the earth on its foundations, so that it should never be moved. ...

My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary in Jamaica. There are no adequate words to describe the whole island experience for me, but for the sake of sharing with you, I will try ;-)
This was our first trip out of the US, and I must say I was not nervous at all. I was so excited that it really could not be contained. Even people at the airport asked us where we were going because I looked so excited! (yea, I don't get out enough). In 10 years Josh and I have not been anywhere over 1 night just the 2 of us. I was weary of how I would feel being separated by 2 flights and approximately 6 hours of travel from my kids. God was all over that feeling, he just replaced it with a peace that only He can give, we were meant to go on this vacation.

Once we arrived, I stared to relax and catch on the Jamaican moto "no worries mon!" I was like a different woman, I really had "no worries" for a few short days. The way the island made me feel is like nothing I have ever felt, I felt free. I felt like I was so close to the glory of God that I could reach out and grab it. I slept all night without waking up (un heard of for me) and by dawn I was sitting on the beach watching and waiting with coffee in hand.

There is not one thing we had to do for 5 days, not one single thing. Can you imagine that? I couldn't ! I told God that on this trip I would not worry or stress, that I only wanted to focus on my husband and relax. He made that possible, for 5 days I had "no worries mon." when you live a life with a gaping hole in your chest, its hard to believe it will ever be possible to let go and have no worries. I thought it was impossible, and God reminded me that nothing is impossible with Him. I was reminded of a time when I could not smile and I experienced a pain so deep that I struggled for air, and I was that way for a long time. While I remember that pain and it still hurts so bad, its almost like I'm literally seeing it through the grace of Jesus. I cannot imagine living a day without all my children, yet I do it. I cannot imagine living through such a tragic loss, yet I do it. The thing about that is this; I don't do it. I don't remember a specific time or a huge revelation happening, but at some point I decided to trust God. I realized that not only could I not imagine going through all those things, I absolutely could not go through them.

I spent months watching and waiting for the Lord to return on his white horse and save me from this tragedy and make it all new. I would wake up at the crack of dawn and head strait to the porch , coffee in hand, to continue my watching and waiting. While time and grace have made my time here bearable, my heart still longs for eternity with Jesus. I still long to be whole again, to see my son again.

It wasn't until I got home that God showed me the parallels of the watching and waiting from then to now. I do the same action, with a different heart. In Jamaica I woke up at dawn and eagerly headed to the beach to SEE the beauty that God so freely shows off on the island. 3 years ago I woke up at dawn yearning for Jesus to come and end my sorrow, there was no beauty in that only pain and waiting. Now I wait and SEE beauty at the same time. While the longing has not changed, the heart of the longer is forever changed.

I want to share a photo that I feel shows a little glimpse of how my waiting and watching has changed. Our last day on the island it rained, and I mean it rained and rained. While most people were on their balcony reading books or in the recreation area playing pool or ping pong, I was on the beach. Josh did not believe me when I told him the sun would eventually shine if we just waited. I knew in my soul it would, and I did what I do. I waited, in the rain, with my book under a huge umbrella when it rained hard. On the beach as close as I could get to the ocean when it would stop. When the sun finally peeked out, I knew it was for me. I felt the SON on my face and I had the sunburn to prove it! I waited and the sun and SON shone on me. That is just another sweet reminder of why I keep watching, because He keeps showing me, and Lord knows I don't deserve it. That's the thing about Mercy, it's free. Reach out and take it.
                                            perfect place to SEE. Psalm 104:1-35
Here is my seat, as close I could get.

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