Thursday, September 26, 2013

Caught off guard

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ~ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong

I think its safe to say that at least 90% of the time I am on guard (or mentally prepared) in local public places, especially when I know there will be school age kids around. I like to be on guard in case I run in to some of Jackson’s friends or just see other little boys he knew. It’s never good for me to be caught “off guard”, because it can make me visibly nervous and anxious immediately. I’m sure most people who have lost a loved one do attempt to be mentally prepared when they feel they may come in contact with a person who reminds them of the one they long to be with. To be caught off guard can put me in a bad place, with supernatural speed. It is NEVER, I repeat NEVER the person’s fault that reminds of my Jackson. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just a part of this grey area I now live in, sometimes things sneak up on me and I’m just not prepared. I can’t walk around in a bubble and I don’t want to. It does me good to see those boys and picture how tall Jackson would be now and imagine how he would have changed….when I’m prepared.

We are currently getting ready to take a trip without the kids, just my husband and I for our 10 year anniversary. I have been excited beyond belief the past few weeks just to be able to spend time with just the man I married and no rush to actually have to “do” anything. I forgot to take into account how the enemy likes to steal my joy, to steal all our joy (especially when I’m preoccupied and not in the word like I need to be.) I have mentioned in another post "The Search"( that feeling of forgetting something very important almost daily. We have been preparing things for Jenna Claire and Jett to help their grandparents who will stay with them while we are gone, and that “forgetting something” feeling has been overwhelming me. What am I forgetting?  Well let’s see, I’m forgetting to give them instructions on doing Jackson’s homework, and all his activities. That gaping hole, I miss my son.

I went to church last night, like I do most Wednesday nights because I’m involved with AWANA and there is nothing in the world better than watching a gym full of kids praising and worshipping through fun songs. As I was looking for Jenna Claire to pick her up and they were singing and dancing, I kept seeing this blonde head from across the room. At first I thought it was my imagination, I’m in that gym every Wednesday night and I have not seen that child. So I moved to get a better view, he looked so much like Jackson from behind that I lost my breath. It was one of Jackson’s very best buddies, tied together at the hip from 3 years old. The way he moves and his hair is the same as Jackson’s. What a gift God gave us when he gave us Tate, a reminder that Jackson was real. He was a real 100% boy with real buddies and he got into a lot of real trouble, and he really is fully alive in Heaven waiting for us to be re united. My point is this, while my guard was down and I got instantly anxious and nauseous at the site of Jacksons buddy and their likeness, (only because I was not prepared, I was preoccupied with our trip) what the enemy meant for harm, God made good and revealed a beautiful reminder.

The enemy does care that our marriage survived the unthinkable, the enemy is disgusted that we made it 10 years, the enemy needs to ruin our vacation with thoughts of my constant search for Jackson. The enemy needs to remind me that we should never celebrate anything in this life, we should be held in bondage by guilt and depression without our oldest son here. The enemy meant me harm and though it hurt to be reminded, it would hurt worse not to have those sweet boy’s as reminders. That is the gift God showed me early this morning. It’s hard to believe that the enemy would care anything about us, after all, isn’t he out trying to destroy nations? You better believe he’s after us, we are the church!  If he breaks my faith in Jesus, I have nothing. If I live in bondage, I’m not living at all. God is just not done with me yet, that much is clear. There will be many times I am caught off guard, and there will be many moments of overwhelming sadness over my longing to be with Jackson again. There will also be many moments of grace and hope that God so freely gives when I realize what is going on and call on Jesus. We are living in a world of constant spiritual warfare, don’t believe me? OPEN YOUR EYES, read the bible. He is near, and the enemy is on the prowl.

Ephesians 6:12  ~For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Who knows, Maybe one day JC will marry one of Jackson’s buddies and he will be a reminder of the hope I have in Jesus, until I am with my oldest son again in eternity. A sweet reminder of my son Jackson in the face of a son-in-law . It could happen, we know God has a sense of humor, that much is true ;)

                                                           Jackson and Tate best bud's

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