I wrote a complete blog and then, I erased it (several times). I am feeling very anxious lately yet I have the strong pull to write this blog. I am praying that whatever comes out, it won't be as all over the place as I'm feeling as I write it.
I struggle, like most Christians to be obedient to God. Its not because I don't want to obey, its because....its very hard. Its hard to be led to put your life on the internet. It's hard to back down from my own ways and let God use me. Sometimes I just fight it and don't realize that I'm ignoring Him. Other times I turn my head and hope the persistence goes away. God being a God of His word He is not changing his mind. He is eternal, as is His plan. When He calls us to do something, its for a reason. Fight as I may, He will always win and even though it's hard I know its for a purpose so much bigger than me. So here goes.....
I get very irritated when I read or hear the phrase "God saves his hardest battles for his strongest soldiers". I have no idea why but today I read that by a well meaning person and I just got so........I don't know, irritated. The thought that I (along with many others) may have been chosen by God to battle the worst tragedy I can imagine, for what, because I'm a strong soldier? That makes no sense to me, whoever coined that phrase should be the poster child for pep talks. I mean, I'm picturing my God on His throne saying "no wait, save that battle for Ronnie and Josh Orman, they are stronger soldiers." That's just not how it happens, it can't be.
When I get this anxious and overwhelmed I know I need to find biblical support. I have to find something in THE word that says that God would put un thinkable things on me because I'm a "strong soldier." I can not find that in scripture. What I did find (and not by chance) is this:
2 Chronicles 20:17 you do not have to fight this battle. position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD. He is with you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Tomorrow, go out to face them, for the Lord is with you.
I am not a fan of taking one bible verse and basing things on one verse instead of backing up a bit to see what the whole story is (this is great story please read it!). However, I fell in love with this particular verse. Its like God is speaking it to me personally today as I cringe over someone attempting a pep talk or a kind word. So you see why I refuse to believe He saved the most horrendous battle for me and my family? He wouldn't do that, He wants to fight for us so that we don't have to get beat down in any battle be it spiritual or physical. If we are following His will and listening for his commands, we shouldn't have to fight so hard and feel so alone doing it. He is always fighting for us, we just have to get out of the way.
My battle today is that it is 20 days until Jackson should be having his 9th birthday party. I think a lot of my anxiety goes back to my previous blog "The search". We, as parents never stop searching for our child, we also never stop thinking about things that should be happening in their lives. My mom brain knows that I'm supposed to be doing something very important, like mailing out invitation's for Jacksons party. The party we wont be having here on Earth. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I am thinking about it. Its a struggle a spiritual battle. I suppose we are all soldiers in a sense, but I don't believe that the stronger ones are picked on to fight the most horrendous battles. When I back up and let God lead the battle the way it's intended then I become part an army more than one lone soldier. I would rather consider myself a soldier in Gods army than "the strongest soldier taking on the hardest battles."