I have been frequently asked about the guilt of loosing a child. People ask how we live with that or if it ever goes away. So here's my thoughts on "the guilt".
Lord be with me and guide my words on this painful topic, painful for my family and countless others. Give me peace and guidance, Lord give me words to speak that are not mine but the words you would have me share. Amen.
The guilt is something that plagues all of us in this horrible group of parents living without our child. Guilt creeps in no matter how old or in what way our child died. Its because when we have our kids we are responsible for their well being, to keep them safe from harm no matter the cost. That's not the way things turned out for us or countless others. While its obvious that almost any parent I know including myself would gladly step in front of a bullet for our child, that's typically not the way it happens( nor are any of us offered that choice.) If you think you can be everywhere and know it all in order to keep your child safe, you are sadly mistaken.
There are those of us in this situation whose child got very ill and went to heaven, there are those of us whose child went to heaven very quickly and tragically.
For those who had a child fall ill with cancer or any other disease. You are not super parents with x-ray vision to see inside your child's body to know that they are ill. You were in no way responsible for not getting them to the doctor in time or not noticing symptoms earlier. For that matter we would all live in the doctors office if we took our child for every little symptom. You are NOT responsible and you could have done NOT ONE THING to change the outcome.
For those of us whose child went to heaven very quickly and tragically.....this is very, very hard for me as this is the group I'm in with many others. We are not all knowing and there is no way we could have known this was going to happen or it would not have happened. No words we could have said to our child would have changed a single thing. It may have been a car accident, ATV accident or an absolute freak accident of any kind. See the key word here, is ACCIDENT. I'm pretty sure that word is a human word, I do not believe in accidents. That would mean what, that maybe God had his head turned for that split second? No, He most certainly did not. While its a horrible, unthinkable, tragic accident here on Earth in Heaven it was known long before that child was even born.
This goes back to what I have said countless times, I do not believe God took our children to punish us or to grow us. If that is true what of murderers and child rapist who never get caught and live this life free and easy? That makes no sense what so ever. Again I refer to the entire book of Job, was he not a good servant and still suffered more than any of us? it is not punishment These are thoughts the enemy, Satan wants us to have. You see, if he keeps us down with guilt and "what if's" then we are not bringing others to Christ and we are not living out the life God calls us to lead. We are walking through quick sand virtually getting no where and all the while sinking in the "guilt sand".
There is not one single thing my husband or I could have done on May 6th 2010 to save Jackson's life. It was already done on Heaven's time and it just had to be lived out here. This is very heart wrenching for me and no I do not comprehend it myself to even type but I believe it to be true with every bone in my body. I know my God and I know that He held us and he continues to hold us. He hurts for me when I hurt and He did NOT take our son to punish us. We have to continue to pray through the guilt and cry out to Jesus. He already knows our thoughts and He knows we are angry and confused. Do not let the enemy tell you that you should have noticed something was wrong with your child, that is not true! "You should have been paying attention", "you should have been a better parent". That is what Satan wants us to believe, that is a lie. Until you SEE Christ for who he is you will never see Satan for who he is. He is a liar and he lives to tear us to pieces. Who is more vulnerable then a parent who has lost a child? Not one soul is. That's who he thrives on, those of us who desperately search for the answers. We have to get in the word, never more than while we suffer so that we can try and grasp the truth! The answers will never be fully known here, but when you know who God is you learn the difference in lies and truth. Here is a quote that says it better than I can:
"The reason Satan tries to deceive us, is to get us to believe something that is simply not true. Believers who are ignorant of God's Word are more likely to be deceived and if they begin to accept Satan's lies as truth, the devil will start to build a stronghold in their minds. A stronghold is an incorrect thinking pattern based upon error and lies that a person has received as truth."
When I say I feel your pain, I physically feel it and I live it every single day. This is a very hard topic for me as I to am obviously plagued with guilt. There are many days still that I begin to sink in the guilt sand but as I cry out to Jesus he never fails to pull me out and remind me that there was nothing we could have done, NOT ONE THING. Does knowing the truth of who Christ is keep my from the pain of my loss? no it doesn't. But it keeps me from living in lies and it keeps me able to live and not just exist.
~Job 42:1-2 Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."
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