Thursday, June 27, 2013

No man's land

~Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand

I have been having to drive to work in Jonesboro a lot the last month. I hate that drive because it's idle time and that's never good for me. I am reminded about a time shortly after Jackson went to Heaven and I was working at the hospital in Jonesboro. I would think on my home in the morning's (I worked 6p-6a) that if I just missed a curve and drove off nobody would suspect I just didn't care. They would think I fell asleep. My fear was only that I would survive it and probably just be mangled for life. Those kind of memories don't just pop up and disappear so I can go on with my work day. They leave a dark cloud, the constant reminder of a time that I had no desire to be alive without my son. I know I have talked before about being in a very bad place mentally and spiritually but I don't think it can be explained with words. The only way to know what hell on earth is , is to be the one living it. I try to explain it and share it so that you won't feel so alone if God forbid you are there or you are helping someone who is living it. I don't share because I enjoy talking about it, but I am moved to share by my God who saved me from that pit. 
The pit is full of darkness and it makes your outward appearance almost as dark. It is all consuming and I will never understand how anyone can live through it without Christ. I can only imagine that they live with bitterness and confusion on a daily basis. I was listening to KLOVE on my way to work this morning (in Jonesboro). They were playing a new song by Natalie Grant, called Hurricane. They did the artist interview where the singer tells a little about the song and what it means to them. Natalie said that when she was in a very dark place she was reminded of the bible story in Matthew 14:29
29 Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

She pointed out that Jesus did not stop the storm at that moment, he simply reached out his hand to save Peter. The point is that Jesus had the wind and rain at his command, he could have just stopped the madness and Peter would have been fine. He CHOSE to reach out through the storm to Peter. That's an amazing picture to me.
In the midst of my personal darkness it was not like a raging storm more of an eerie quietness. I was very paranoid and very lonely. I have a friend who is not suffering the loss of a child but is none the less living spiritual warfare and physical suffering. I emerged from my pit with a brand new pair of eyes to SEE how people hurt. I see her pain and it puts me on my knees. I have no idea how God works but I know He does. I am not even a reflection of who I was before the accident. I was just as saved then as I am today. But I'm a completely different woman inside now. I understand things that I didn't before and I love total strangers like they are my BFF's. I want to be clear though, the change in me did not happen overnight, it's still happening. It started when I had Jett Layton on Dec 2, 2011 and has not stopped yet. I didn't understand what it meant to grow and mature spiritually but now I SEE.  These people suffering all around us (like my friend) they need us. They need us to pray when they can't and to stand when they can't to believe when they cannot. Its perfectly human to have doubt and to just be.....well, mad!
~Mark 9:24 With tears flowing, the child's father at once cried out, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"
There are times in a believers life that they are absolutely consumed and that's where other believers need to step up. I can tell you this with 100 % honesty, I absolutely would not be the person I am today without my prayer warriors. I would cry and scream this verse (mark 9:24) at God because I knew God but I could not believe. I could not believe my God would take my son and cause my family so much agony. We were being ripped apart from the inside so where was God? He was having our prayer warriors hit their knees for us and cry out on our behalf. I feel honored now to be called to pray for others the way I was prayed for. I cannot stress how much it means and how much its our duty. I want to close with this quote, its one of my favorites.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

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