Painful "approvals"

John 20:29 

Jesus said to him, "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed."

There are a few phrases or things people say that bring them and others comfort regarding God's interaction with our lives. Sometimes when something really bad happens to us personally, these words are more painful than helpful. 

Today during conversation a friend of mine said "nothing happens to us without God's say so." This statement is absolutely true, I believe that with my whole heart. While my friend found great comfort knowing that our God controls everything and He either: a.) allows them or b.) does not allow them. I could not help feeling a little prick to my own heart. 

Those of us who suffer trials that are truly crippling either spiritually or physically (or both) have a hard time knowing that not one single thing happens without God's stamp of approval. Knowing this and believing it in our very bones can cause some serious pain. Would your parents stand by and watch you be physically hurt and do nothing to stop it? Would you do that to your own child? In my heart, at that time that's just how I felt.......abandoned really.  He allowed the unthinkable to happen in my life. My mom would gladly take on any illness that may plague me or my family to save me from pain and most parents would do the same, given that choice. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. Our God has a master plan, we don't have to agree with it, but we do have to trust it. He does not ask us to trust it with a smile on our face, He knows. He came to Earth and suffered pain I can not bare to think about. He knew no sin and yet He took on the sin and pain of EVERY human who calls on His name. I can't bear my own pain, let alone everyone's else's.  I have to tell myself "Perspective sister, eyes on the cross", if I were not able to keep perspective in those questionable moments, well, I can't say where I would be, but it would not be here. It certainly would not be sharing my life in hopes that I can help one person, just one person stay focused while they face such pain and loss. I could not shake the lyrics of a song, I have come to know that Jesus speaks to me through lyrics. Even while all these thoughts were racing through my head (and I wonder why I have insomnia) these lyrics kept coming to mind:

In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good

Lord we trust you, Lord we trust you.

We can know....we do know. I need to say that my life is broken in certain aspects that will never be whole again while there is breath in my body, I will never ever be who I was before Jackson left this Earth. I also need to say that when I came to the most critical point in my life that I made the right choice, I chose to trust Jesus.

 Now when I look back to the moment I felt so abandoned by God I SEE Him there. I don't know why he allowed this to happen to us, but I know He did. I also know He cried with me, and He carried me, and He still does. He does because I trust and I know this is not how it ends. 

John 11:35 Jesus wept.

Its possible that when people point out that God controls all things or that they are very "blessed"  I may always feel that gnawing pain to my heart. I don't try to hide from God that it hurts me that He allowed me such pain, I tried that. Now I try so hard to never stop trusting His plan, even when I'm so mad I can't even stand to be around myself (yes, I am aware that I am very unpleasant at times, especially when I'm hurting).I think The Lord wanted me to share this because He knows that we are mad. He knows that we question "What happened Lord, where were you?". I think He wants us to tell Him, He already knows. 

Maybe I will look back on this blog one day and it will help to remind me to keep my eyes on the cross, Lord knows I may need the reminder tomorrow. 

The song in my heart this afternoon is: 

Passion - The Lord Our God (feat. Kristian Stanfill) Lyrics

Promise maker, promise keeper
You finish what You begin
Our provision through the desert 
You see it through ‘til the end 
You see it through ‘til the end

(Chorus)
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us 
And forever we will say 
You're the Lord our God 

(Verse)
In the silence, in the waiting
Still we can know You are good
All Your plans are for Your glory
Yes, we can know You are good
Yes, we can know You are good 

(Chorus)
The Lord our God is ever faithful
Never changing through the ages
From this darkness
You will lead us 
And forever we will say 
You're the Lord our God 

We trust You, we trust You

So we won’t move without You
We won’t move without You
You’re the light of all and all that we need, Lord to everything
We won’t move without You
We won’t move without You
You’re the light of all and all that we need,
We trust You, God

We won’t move without You
We won’t move without You
You’re the light of all and all that we need, You will in Your hands
We won’t move without You
We won’t move without You

He has blessed me IN the storm's of life, He has never waited for the sun shine again to bless me, nor did he wait until I was able to SEE the sun again. he blessed me in the darkness. He blessed me over and over and continues to bless me. How I love my savior.