Friday, February 28, 2014

My strength defined

Lord I pray that as I type this you will continue to be my strength and may I always look to you to remind me that there is no reason to fear my future. May my rambling help someone feel less alone. Amen.

There are several quotes on strength that I see everyday. Many of these quotes people have sent to me meaning to admire my "strength". Though people mean these quotes as compliments, that is not at all how I am. Strong I mean, in fact I am the total opposite. 
I may have considered myself a strong type of woman at some point in my life. I was clueless about what true strength actually is. Its more than living through tragedy, its more than being able get out of bed and keep working. In truth, I am dependent, not strong. I am dependent on my savior to carry me through this life of trial after trial. I am not strong, but I have something more than precious strength. I have faith.  I think lots of people are just like me, they are weary of being considered strong for what they live with or what they have been through. Maybe they are like me, searching for the right word to fit them. That word is so simple that I have missed it for years, its just faith. My faith keeps me going, my faith leads me on toward whatever God has planned for me. My faith, its all I have, but thankfully its all I need. 
When we see a person living through things we can't imagine happening to us, we consider them strong. How could they not be? That's what I used to think anyway.I would look at my parents and all my mom has lived through and think "man, she is so strong. I hope I am like her one day." Boy was I wrong. My mom is not strong at all, she is faithful in following Jesus and He is her strength. Years later my thoughts are similar toward my mom yet completely different. Now I think "Man she is full of Faith and Hope, I want to be just like her."  
Maybe the things we have lived through look like strength and in a way it is, just not our strength. The truth is, I have no idea how people who don't know Jesus live through child loss. I know I could not have and that is the truth. 
There are times that I think people mistake my lack of emotion for being "strong" but that too could not be farther from truth. That is actually a major genetic discrepancy I guess. I am just not able to be emotional in public, I never have been. I mean, its bad people.  I can be alone and let the tears take me down and almost drown , but don't let someone come in the room mid breakdown. I will fake a sneeze attack like nobodies business and get the heck out of there before I let them see me ugly cry. 
Its not that I care if people know I'm struggling, (obviously, I share my life on the internet ) its just part of my genetics. There is something about them seeing it. As odd as it is, it's just me. I'm sure I'm not the only "non crier" out there am I? 
I am really not sure if we "non criers" are born this way or if it was some point in our lives that we just decided to hold it in. There was a time in my life that I considered it a gift that I could choose to not react to a situation and it be that easy, now I find that quite disturbing. There are times in life that we desperately need to share our sorrow and burdens , yet I am physically unable to do that. In fact when I'm talking to someone and they get upset and start to cry my first instinct is run, it might be contagious right ? Heaven knows that as rare as it is for me to cry , when I do it's not pretty. Have you ever started crying and then start thinking about things from the past and go ahead and cry about them too while your at it? Like while I'm crying let me just grieve for that too, even though it was 10 years ago. I never claimed to be sane, just honest. 
So you see, its not strength that gets my family through the trials that keep being hurled at us, its our Faith. We don't have to be strong as long as we remember that this is not how it ends. Jesus wins, I peeked at the end of the bible. Jesus wins. Faith wins. We win. 

                              Blessed to be their daughter. May I have 1/2 their Faith on my journey.

One of my favorite strength quotes. I wonder if Eleanor was a non crier?
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along”. – Eleanor Roosevelt

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this post. I lost my son, Joel, 15 months ago and have so struggled when people have said, "You are so strong." My desire to show that I am truly weak is part of the reason for my own last few post. I need prayer so much more than admiration.