I always wonder about those "perfect" families. You know, the ones who seem to be very successful at their job. Have the newest car and the picture perfect kids. Have they felt pain? I don't mean the pain of a grandparent or even a parent leaving this earth. While that is obviously very painful, it's....well, expected. Have they felt the impact of a million lies being tossed at them by the enemy? Have they ever had to really get dirty fighting spiritual war's ? I wonder, but I'll never know. My job is not to know everyone's personal pain, my job is to share mine. I share mine with the prayer that my suffering will make people feel less alone in their battle. I may not know how you feel, but I know what pain feels like. I'm familiar with the kind of pain that over the years changes and becomes less crippling in a daily sense. Then an anniversary (like today)rolls around and faster than I can get the words out "Wait, no!" it sweeps over me, paralyzing me.
I suffer the pain of child loss. I get the wind knocked right out of my lungs, I have panic attacks, I can't stand, and I can't breathe.I am flooded by emotions that I am not ready to feel. I am facing the fact that 4 years ago I sat on the trampoline with my 5 (almost 6) year old son for the last time. We were "that" family. I had a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful kids and was about to graduate nursing school. Nothing could mess up the next few days, we were so excited. Jackson and I got to graduate the same weekend, how fun is that?!
May 6th 2010 trampoline talk:
Me: " Jackson, all you have to do is sit still in the audience with grandma and grandpa while I'm on stage tomorrow. you can yell "that's my mom!!" if you want to though."
Jackson: eyes rolling, "MOM, I'm not gonna say that until they call your name. Then dad said we get to yell and embarrass you."
Me: "Ok then, do I get to yell 'That's MY boy!' at your wee school graduation this weekend?
Jackson: "sure, if your proud then you get to yell right?" "what if your big white hat falls off, can I laugh? "
The anniversary of Jackson leaving this world makes me re-live it to a point. I have learned to control or "cut off" the memories that I can't handle from those days. I won't willingly go back into the pit again. I pray very hard yet It's inevitable for me, I get thrown back in time ready or not. It usually hits hard out of nowhere about 5 days before the anniversary. The pain is intense and reminds me that the truth is, I want my son back and there is nothing in this world I would not do to turn the clock back. I'm not given that option, but that doesn't stop me from asking (often). Sometimes I wonder if when I get to Heaven God may say "there she is, the one who relentlessly asked for a time travel trip!"
I was saved before Jackson left this world, but I never knew my savior on an intimate level. I don't believe that my God causes or allows tragic things to happen because he just "needs another angel" or because "he needed him back". That's not my God and I can't find that anywhere in the bible. Why would he take my child from me just because "he wants to'? what kind of God would I be in love with if He worked that way? Thank you Jesus thats not how it happens. Tragedy will happen, people will die, people will suffer. If we just let God help, He will. He may not turn back time like I prayed about for years (and still do) but he will make the time we have left on Earth much more livable. I love like I never thought I would be able too. I long to comfort strangers with the same comfort that was shared with me by the Holy Spirit and by the friends who were being the body of Christ for me when I needed them to be. Losing Jackson opened my blind eyes and I suddenly see that this world has NOTHING to offer me, I SEE that this is a tiny flash on the big screen of Eternity. I can do this, I can do all things thorough Christ. Its not always done with grace and poise on my face. Sometimes it's done through many tears, gritted teeth and lots and lots of "why me's". He always brings me through it. Sometimes I'm down for longer than I anticipate. Other times I feel like he literally carries me through the pain and shifts my focus onto my husband and my 2 beautiful children that remain here with me and need me.
On this particular May 6th, my fourth one without my cowboy. I got up and went to work. I worked hard today, I tried to stay very busy. idle time is bad for the hurting. When I would get restless and there werent many patients to keep me hopping this song kept popping in my mind. I didnt get it at first, now I do. I have not been blogging much because I keep thinking "who wants to read ANOTHER persons blog?". God has been urging me to share feelings over the last few weeks but I just didnt feel like anyone needed me to share. As I spoke with a friend tonight I realized why He put those lyrics in my head and heart. He wants his love to show through me, I want to be the door for his love to walk through, even in my pain I can shout of His love. I will share this blog because it's not about me, its about that one person who needs to know they are not alone. Love still exists in my heart and in my home. If you can't see how, look to Jesus. With every act of love, we bring the kingdom come. Here are the lyrics of my heart today. Jason Grey 'With every act of love'.
God put a million, million doors in the world
For His love to walk through
One of those doors is you
I said, God put a million, million doors in the world
For His love to walk through
One of those doors is you
Oh, we bring the kingdom come
Oh, with every act of love
Jesus, help us carry You
Alive in us, Your light shines through
With every act of love
We bring the kingdom
