Finding hope in a cemetery

Luke 12:27-28
“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith!”

This past Sunday was so beautiful. The weather was nice and JC and I decided that we had been locked in the house long enough with her broken arm. We were ready to go play outside, but what could we do with her arm being in a huge cast? Obviously riding her pony was off the agenda for a while. We decided to go to the cemetery and put out some bright colored metal spring flowers we got for Jackson. 

When we pulled up the first thing we both noticed was the amount of yellow daffodils all over the cemetery. As we drove toward Jackson’s spot I noticed the flowers were not nearly as abundant as in the older section of the cemetery. What was up with that? JC and I decided to walk to the older section and investigate. It was amazing! Most of the stones that dated back 100 years or more were the ones with all the daffodils. Some of the flowers were meticulously planted around the perimeter of the site in a beautiful spray of yellow daffodil promises. They were planted so perfectly in love that I could not help but picture the loved one on their knees mourning their loss and planting flowers that would grow even when the life of that person may have been forgotten over the years.

I have never been one to find comfort in the cemetery, not until Sunday. It was quiet and so full of peace, the perfect place to spend time talking and walking with my 7 year old. While it’s not fair that our daughter has to understand the permanent concept of death from saying goodbye to her big brother, it was beautiful how God led us there to see show me how sweet and tender her heart is. She wanted to know how old each person was and what their name is. She was upset when she asked me if it’s possible that some of them did not know Jesus. 

As we walked farther through the rows of the very old stones, the daffodils were literally jumping out at us.  I let her pick some of the wild daffodils along the wood line because she wanted to put them on the graves with no flowers. I could not help but smile at the thought of young “Mr.Bertie” giving her a big hug one day in Heaven for being so sweet as to give him some bright yellow flowers of his own. 

When we got home I could not shake the picture in my mind of all of those meticulously planted daffodils. Why were they so abundant in the older part of the cemetery? I started researching online and I found this written by a woman who traveled many cemeteries documenting the age of the stones and carvings: “Cemetery daffodils symbolize grace, beauty, deep regard, mortality, the death of a youth, new beginnings, innocence and unrequited love, making them very popular as part of the silent language depicted on stones.”
I can’t explain why all of a sudden God wanted me to SEE the flowers, but He did. I have been feeling lost lately. As I have shared before the change of season always hits me hard, it’s a reminder that time is moving without my son here with me. I think God wanted to remind me that He is in control. He can give us the idea to plant flowers that last much longer than the memory of our Earthly lives. He calls them to bloom every spring, possible 80-100 years after they were planted! He has not forgotten us though at times it sure feels that way.  Just like he remembers to call those daffodils to bloom every spring He remembers us. Those daffodils planted by loved ones serve as reminders of the love the planter has for the one gone before them. The wild flowers just may serve as reminders that He remembers us.  

   Spring is Coming
“Feel the sun on your skin
Growing strong and warm again
Watch the ground: there's something moving
Something is breaking through
New life is breaking through” ~Steven Curtis Chapman
 

Momerella

Philippians 3:14
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus

If you are female, surely you have seen the wonderful movie "Cinderella". If not then, I'm sorry and I'll let you borrow mine! Anyway, I think that if you are a wife or mother you can obviously identify with Cinderella feeling like slave in her own home, unappreciated and pulled in 500 directions. Never getting a "thank you" or even an acknowledgment from the people she loved most, her family. While yes Cinderella actually WAS a slave in her own home (and her family was retched and not so attractive), sometimes as women trying to wear 500 hats, we feel that way too right? Minus the unattractive family part. 

There is a song in the movie that the mice are singing as Cinderella is running around the house trying to do all the things being demanded of her at once. When I looked up the lyrics I had to laugh, its called "The work song". Here are the lyrics:

"Cinderella, Cinderella
All I hear is Cinderella, from the moment I get up
till shades of night are falling
There isn't any letup, I hear them calling, calling
"Go up and do the attic and go down and do the cellar,
you can do them both together Cinderella."

How lovely it would be
if I could live in my fantasy
But in the middle of my dreaming
they're screaming
at me
Cinderella!"

Remember that song? One sister is literally throwing laundry at her while the other sister is yelling for her "to come here NOW!"

Tonight I was trying to pick up around the house after I got home from taking my daughter to dance and going back to pick her up. I had no time to cook dinner so....frozen pizza it was. I was putting laundry away while my 2 year old hung on my leg "mommy I need my cup!" Then I hear my husband, "did you get that pizza out of the oven?" ummm, no I didn't but I do smell it burning. My 7 year old says "why can't you puh lease pour my cereal, I am for REAL starving. I feel sick I'm sooooo hungry!" So I head back to the kitchen to tend to my starving 7 year old who is fully capable of getting herself a snack, on the way I trip over her boots. The boots that I asked her at least 5 times to pick up. I know this is just an average night in most homes, but tonight I realized something. As I tried to do everything to everyone's liking (in a very non-joyful, lots of sighing manner) I realized that they have no idea that I feel like they are being ungrateful. They are not intending to pull me in 599 directions, its really very simple. I am his wife and I am their mommy. Those two titles should be held above my degree in Nursing, and above my sudden need to disappear into the bathroom and lock the door. I would know. Just 4 short years ago both of those names "mom" and "wife" were taken from me. 

I didn't know if I would ever be those things again. I went from being mom of two beautiful children and a wife juggling nursing school,  to being none of those things the instant Jackson left this world. I was not able to be a wife because I did not know how to function when I was stripped of my title of mom of "two". I was not a nursing student anymore because the day after Jackson went to heaven was my graduation day. When Jackson went to heaven at only 5 years old, part of me died. That mom of "two" died and the wife juggling kids and school died.

I am happy to say that she remains gone. When This wife and This mom stood back up, I was new. I vowed to never take life for granted. I promised my son that his name would always be on my lips but that I would live. Its never easy and there are days I just can't, I just can't do anything and that's okay too. Most days though I chose to live for Jackson and I chose to live for this crazy family God has given me. That choice made me who I am today. I am "wife to a wonderful man and mom to THREE beautiful children". While the path God chose for me to walk is obviously not the path I would choose, its mine and only I can walk it with Jesus by my side. I will continue to pray that God reminds me that being Cinderella (minus the actual slave part) in my own home is a privilege. Those responsibilities come with the job. I will continue to sigh and roll my eyes when everyone is pulling on me, but I will always remember what life could be if I had made that choice to not get back up and keep breathing. Excuse me now, I am exhausted and rocking my momerella name tag proudly. Gotta go finish those dishes :)

My strength defined

.

Lord I pray that as I type this you will continue to be my strength and may I always look to you to remind me that there is no reason to fear my future. May my rambling help someone feel less alone. Amen.

There are several quotes on strength that I see everyday. Many of these quotes people have sent to me meaning to admire my "strength". Though people mean these quotes as compliments, that is not at all how I am. Strong I mean, in fact I am the total opposite. 
I may have considered myself a strong type of woman at some point in my life. I was clueless about what true strength actually is. Its more than living through tragedy, its more than being able get out of bed and keep working. In truth, I am dependent, not strong. I am dependent on my savior to carry me through this life of trial after trial. I am not strong, but I have something more than precious strength. I have faith.  I think lots of people are just like me, they are weary of being considered strong for what they live with or what they have been through. Maybe they are like me, searching for the right word to fit them. That word is so simple that I have missed it for years, its just faith. My faith keeps me going, my faith leads me on toward whatever God has planned for me. My faith, its all I have, but thankfully its all I need. 
When we see a person living through things we can't imagine happening to us, we consider them strong. How could they not be? That's what I used to think anyway.I would look at my parents and all my mom has lived through and think "man, she is so strong. I hope I am like her one day." Boy was I wrong. My mom is not strong at all, she is faithful in following Jesus and He is her strength. Years later my thoughts are similar toward my mom yet completely different. Now I think "Man she is full of Faith and Hope, I want to be just like her."  
Maybe the things we have lived through look like strength and in a way it is, just not our strength. The truth is, I have no idea how people who don't know Jesus live through child loss. I know I could not have and that is the truth. 
There are times that I think people mistake my lack of emotion for being "strong" but that too could not be farther from truth. That is actually a major genetic discrepancy I guess. I am just not able to be emotional in public, I never have been. I mean, its bad people.  I can be alone and let the tears take me down and almost drown , but don't let someone come in the room mid breakdown. I will fake a sneeze attack like nobodies business and get the heck out of there before I let them see me ugly cry. 
Its not that I care if people know I'm struggling, (obviously, I share my life on the internet ) its just part of my genetics. There is something about them seeing it. As odd as it is, it's just me. I'm sure I'm not the only "non crier" out there am I? 
I am really not sure if we "non criers" are born this way or if it was some point in our lives that we just decided to hold it in. There was a time in my life that I considered it a gift that I could choose to not react to a situation and it be that easy, now I find that quite disturbing. There are times in life that we desperately need to share our sorrow and burdens , yet I am physically unable to do that. In fact when I'm talking to someone and they get upset and start to cry my first instinct is run, it might be contagious right ? Heaven knows that as rare as it is for me to cry , when I do it's not pretty. Have you ever started crying and then start thinking about things from the past and go ahead and cry about them too while your at it? Like while I'm crying let me just grieve for that too, even though it was 10 years ago. I never claimed to be sane, just honest. 
So you see, its not strength that gets my family through the trials that keep being hurled at us, its our Faith. We don't have to be strong as long as we remember that this is not how it ends. Jesus wins, I peeked at the end of the bible. Jesus wins. Faith wins. We win. 
                                                         

                              Blessed to be their daughter. May I have 1/2 their Faith on my journey.

One of my favorite strength quotes. I wonder if Eleanor was a non crier?
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along”. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Think before you speak

Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

WARNING I am up in my feelings today and this may be hard for you to witness. Life is hard and I’m about to remind you of that fact.

I want to point out a few thoughts on posting things and speaking before you think. I pray to speak life when I open my big mouth. It’s an ongoing battle for me and if I’m honest I usually am on the failing end.  Being positive and speaking life does not come “natural” for me. It takes practice and prayer and failure. So its out of experience I’m calling out other complainers, If I notice it, it’s a problem folks.

Here are just a few examples of the whining that triggered this post.  All of these face book status’s I witnessed yesterday. There were people complaining about the super bowl, this team sucks that team should not be in the super bowl, what a waste of a super bowl party, I'm sick of this weather,  I hope we are out of school because of the ice tomorrow, I hope we are NOT out of school because we don't want to make up the days, The power is out, I can't believe we won't have power until tomorrow, why is it taking so long to get a branch out of the road, I can’t believe school would put our kids in danger trying to get them there, etc…..Incessant complaining is a disease and it’s contagious. While I could choose to hide your updates or I could delete you, first I want to show a few examples of how your life could be so much worse (and pray the ones who need it, including myself are taking notes). Let’s take a walk, come put on the shoes of anyone who lives with pain or loss that is unspeakable on a daily basis. Here are just a few REAL life examples for you to ponder since you think the pootie super bowl was soooo bad, and the horrible patches of ice sent you into a fit. Here we go:

Try to imagine yourself as the person suffering daily pain that medication can't cure, or step into the shoes of a woman who watches her soul mate suffer daily and can do nothing to turn back the clock and nothing to save his precious memories. Go sit in the waiting room at yet another doctor’s office for the 100^th time to try and find out why you and your husband have been unable to conceive the baby you are so desperate for.  Imagine living the life of the family saying goodbye to their son who has gone to heaven as barely a teenager this week. How about the man who knows he is facing eternity way before he is ready, he knows he will never see his daughters get married. Could you say goodbye to your family because you know the disease you fought so hard against is taking your life? Imagine trying to stay awake because you are exhausted from trying to keep breathing with the pain?  Could you look at your wife/husband and kids and tell them you love them knowing that if you fall asleep it may very well be the last time? How about this one, can you try to teach your 2 year old to say the name of the brother he never got to meet when he only recognizes him in a photo hanging in your entry way because tragedy tore him away?

Today I invite you to think before you speak. It breaks my heart that people jump so quickly on social media to spew their negativity and spread that horrible attitude on to anyone who dares to log on. It’s contagious and its wrong. I know I can’t make people SEE what they have, but I can point out situations much worse than all of ours. Suffering is real and it does not care who you are, we are all one phone call from our knees that much I can promise. Use this post as a reminder to pray for the broken and suffering today. 

If you are wondering if I’m referring to your status and are about to get defensive, don’t bother. The truth is I don’t remember who posted what, and honestly, I myself am guilty of the complaining disease at times.  If you really feel like you may have had a status I’m referring too I suggest you pray. Pray to SEE real people living real pain. Ask Jesus to show you truth, the truth hurts, but the pain of reality doesn't make it any less true. I understand that I can’t make you change your attitude and your willingness to quickly find the down side in every single situation, but I can show you the reality of living life held in the grip of a mighty savior. I breathe by the grace of Jesus, that is the only way I know.  In conclusion, whether it’s the pootie ball game or the crappy weather or stupid schools there will always be opportunity to spread the complaints around. Just think before you do, think about the people who actually have a reason to complain…..then go check their Facebook and twitter news feed. You may stand amazed when you find way less complaints on their page than your own.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life

               Lord help me SEE you in all the seasons I have lived in my 30 something years.                          Help me not spread my grief around but instead the Joy you have shown me in my sorrow. 

                                                                   Family and Joy 2009

                                                                           

 From one season to another I will praise with my mouth.

Family and Joy 2013

Wrestling for a blessing

Genesis 32:24-26  So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

This is one of my very favorite scriptures. Man how I have wrestled, now I get to share how I got SEE what we may look like when we wrestle our savior…...always remember that to wrestle another person, you must be intimate. They are in your space and you are all in theirs. 

I used to feel like there were times that I was physically wrestling with God, I just would not let go of my pain and let him do his job to take care of me the way only He can. Have you ever had that struggling/ wrestling feeling, like your trying to get God to listen and he’s just not DOING anything? If you like me you may just get so restless waiting that  you get mad and lash out at others, or even God himself. Maybe it’s mentally lashing out and pleading for Him to hear you and act. Maybe you just throw punches in the air from total exhaustion and frustration from pleading with your savior who loves you but is obviously not listening, or worse, doesn't care about your pain and struggle.

There are times that I pray about something and plead with God to intervene. I say amen, and then I take the request right back by continuing to try and “fix” it my own way (because His way is taking way to long). My emotional pain can be so intense at times that I can’t for the life of me understand how the Jesus I know and love lets me suffer so intensely and doesn’t “do” anything. Let’s face it, at times God just doesn’t move fast enough for me so I need to keep trying to help him do his job. I want to share a beautiful image God gave me this week with you in case you too wonder “where ARE YOU Lord!??” when you are broken and hurting. Please know that there are no words adequate to explain the love and beauty I felt and saw when God put this image in my head....

I was Praying for several friends who need God to intervene in their lives. One in particular is battling cancer and it seems like every time she gets good news, something else happens to pile on the pain and suffering. I got the feeling to pray very specifically, like God was saying to me “be intentional, pray specifically” So I prayed this “Lord, let her feel you near, let her feel your heavenly breath on her face because you are holding her so tight. She needs to know you are there, she is struggling and needs you to hold her tight and not let go.” Then the vision flooded my thoughts. I saw Jesus standing behind her holding her, her feet were off the ground he was holding her so tight and she was kicking but could not get away because her arms were held down in a very tight embrace. She struggled and he held her, he was nowhere near letting go of her. I could feel the love he has for her, the fact that he wanted her to know he never let go even while she wrestled and fought all that is happening to her.

In true form to my nature, there was obviously music to this vision. It came instantly like back ground music to one of the most beautiful, intimate scenes I have ever witnessed. The most haunting beautiful lyrics to share all who feel the waters are rising too fast. I know the vision of my friend being embraced in the midst of a horrible struggle was shown to me to share with her, but He also wanted me (and you) to see that he held me the same way. He still holds me the same way. The song “Oceans” plays in my head on a constant repeat, let it play in yours as well. Here it is.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

I'm addicted to WHAT?

Luke 2:19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

To prove a point to myself that my phone is not a "idol or stonghold" of some kind to me,  I put it down.  For 2 days the only time I picked it up was if it was ringing or someone sent me a text. I did not randomly message people just to see what they were up to. I did not get on Facebook via my phone at all (If I got on Facebook it was on the computer, and that took time so it was not often). I did not get on any app via my phone to play with any pictures to edit them or post/ send them to anyone.

I'm embarrassed to say that I usually have to charge my phone by 6pm daily because its completely dead. I charged my phone one time in 2 days. I took it off the charger Saturday morning and by Saturday night at 9pm it still had 75% battery. People, that is CRAZY!!  I deleted the Facebook app on my phone so that I can't just "Facebook" when I'm bored. Here is a sum of what I missed during my 2 day experiment:  not one single thing. I read a book, I played "barn" and tractors with my kids. I went to a barrel race with my family and watched my daughter ride her pony. I cheered her on with not one interruption. I did not take one picture with my phone at the barrel race (I did use my real camera ;) ). I cannot tell you how much my life has been changed by one weekend of being intentionally available to my family after being prompted by the Lord to do so. While I may not be "addicted" to social media, those 2 days certainly proved to me that I am dependent on my phone and I definitely overuse it. 

I believe like many others that smart phones may be the downfall of the century. What do you do first thing in the morning? Do you get on your phone and check the weather, or get on Facebook and Twitter while you wait for the shower to warm up? Do you immediately start taking “sooo cute!” pics of your children and post them on instagram? How about this, stop it. Look at your beautiful kids and do as Mary did as all the people adored her perfect baby, our savior. She stored the memories away in her heart. Obviously there was no photo taking then, but she could have taken the time to write it all down in a journal. That’s not what scripture says she did. She treasured the tender moments and stored them all up in her heart. She was living it in real time, not getting glimpses through the lens of a cell phone or watching a little and then writing it down, she was watching and storing. I cannot express how this scripture slapped me in my face. I have been given more blessings than I can count and yet I let my addiction to my phone steal my ability to store the memories in my heart and not just my phone.  While there is nothing wrong with taking a gazillion photos of our children, there is something very wrong with posting them every 5 min on social media. I want to list a few downfalls that I have found to the addiction (YES it IS an addiction) to social media and smart phones in general:

1.) Taking 500 photos of any moment keeps us from actually living the moment.  We are ruining it by taking the photo, editing the photo, thinking of a caption, and finally posting it to Facebook (or instagram)

 2.) After posting the photo you are constantly looking to see who “liked” the photo or who commented on it. We are literally looking down at a device, be it a phone or an ipad more than we are looking up into the eyes of our family we so desperately want the world to see!

 3.) When I’m sitting on the couch looking at Facebook or seeing what my favorite celebrities are tweeting, I could be reading scripture or doing a bible study by one of my favorite Christian writers, Max Lucado ! Anything that hinders my spiritual growth is a major problem people, for me it’s my phone.

I know that Smartphone’s are amazing and have made some things wonderful, like having access to a camera 24/7, GPS, Texting, News on the go, etc. However, in my opinion, the same smart phones have made living and enjoying life take a backseat to posting life the way we want it to appear to the rest of the world. 

Here are my final thoughts, take the pictures, but post them later after you have actually appreciated and LIVED the moments.  Put the phone down for a while, if it rings then get up and go answer it! If nuclear war breaks out, I feel SURE someone will call us, no need to be “in the know” or connected to the internet 24 hours a day. You are the only one who has been given your life, live it to the fullest you never know when it your life may change drastically. I know I will begin again with a new vision given to me from my gracious Father in Heaven. I hope my thoughts on what God has shown me help you. Take a look around, I bet you see someone looking down, at a phone. Be intentional about putting the devices down and making conversation with a stranger!

Psalm 115:4-8 :Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths, but do not speak; eyes, but do not see. They have ears, but do not hear; noses, but do not smell. They have hands, but do not feel; feet, but do not walk; and they do not make a sound in their throat. Those who make them become like them; so do all who trust in them.

Struggling to be jolly

Okay ladies and gentleman, this is a pretty personal blog. Its more of me just talking through some very hard stuff. I needed to get it out. When I feel like I'm about to explode the Lord moves me to share it, to get it out, to help someone else. I just read back what I wrote and it's a hard one to share for me. I'm not big on bearing my soul ya know?  I know I am called to say the hard stuff, so here comes the back and forth torn and worn thoughts of my heart.

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you
Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

This is the 4th Christmas we will spend without Jackson, its actually harder on me than last year. I think it may be because I'm still struggling to grasp a life without my son while others have "moved on". I suppose that's only natural but it doesn't make it any easier, in fact it makes it worse. The 1st and 2nd year holidays people seemed to sense why I was so down, now I'm just "in a bad mood". I'm not in a bad mood by choice, and I'm actually in no mood at all. Its that numb / worn down feeling that can't be shaken off , it can only be dealt with by sleep and praying. I can't stand to be awake truthfully when I'm this worn down from breathing without my son here.
I'm sick with a horrible headache that I'm sure is actually that my heart is just broken. Its exhausting and I'm just tired in my spirit. I know I need to keep going and I know I can't stay in bed but truthfully that's what I need, to just lay down and let it pass.
When you have kids, its not about what you or I need anymore though is it? I can't sleep all day because I have a job. I can't stay under the covers in the recliner until Christmas passes because I have 2 more children who need to enjoy Christmas with both of their parents. I want to be here mentally to enjoy the sweet blessing my Father has given me here on Earth. I don't want to look back and see myself in the recliner mentally drowning, I can't do that. My Jesus never intended that for me, He didn't.

I was looking at the movie "cars" for Jett for Christmas, he really likes it. Then I thought, I bet Jackson would like those wall decals........or not. Jackson would not like because I'm sure its to babyish for a 9 year old boy right? but what would he like? I won't know this side of the cross will I? That is a sick feeling, its just wrong on so many levels that I don't need to get myself started. I didn't get to watch my son grow into a young man and figure out who he is. I just don't, I got robbed and no it's not fair but it still just is.

The more I thought about what Jackson would like, I started really wondering. What will he be like when I see him again? Will he be 2 months shy of 6 years old still ? I like to think that he will be just as he was, perfect. I want to be with my 5 year old cowboy and I want him to tell me in his excited voice "MOM! Come see what Jesus has over here its super duper cool!" while dragging me by the hand, as if no time has passed. I need to feel that, I need Jesus to keep feeding me those visions because I would not be able to keep my head above water, this hurricane is drowning me. Treading water is exhausting, I'm sure you have done it before. I feel like I'm fighting the current but that's the way life is when its just all wrong. I, along with anyone else who is living on Earth without their child am living life wrong. Not wrong as in "right vs wrong" wrong as in " man this is SO WRONG". More of a feeling than a label. Things will never feel quite right for us, but things will be okay.
It doesn't feel like I will ever be okay again, but I feel like this in every Hurricane. Hurricane Christmas 2013 is no different. I will fight, go under water, pop back up and go right back to fighting that current. That's what my life is now, a battle field. Satan wants nothing more than for me to just let that current drown me, and drown my faith. Its not happening, its never gonna happen. I am human and I am a doubter, a sinner, I question my maker. BUT my faith will not be shaken. I can ask why." why us Lord?"  for 100 years and it won't change a thing. God himself can come sit beside me at this table and tell me exactly why he allowed my life to turn out this way, but it wouldn't take the pain away. I try very intentionally never to get stuck on the "why's" that seems to be Satan's favorite place to pounce on me. Now I just pray 2 simple words "Come quickly". Lord come quickly.


In true Ronnie form, as I write this journal entry, a song is playing in my mind. I never ever doubt that my savior gives me these songs (and so much more), especially because these are words I have said many many times. I'm just worn. I will share it because I'm in love with Tenth avenue North's song writer. He is gifted beyond what he knows with words, and we all know how I love lyrics. Here you go:

"Worn"I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn
Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn
http://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM