Becoming the body

Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”. Matthew 18: 19-20 (NKJV)
I have realized that while my prayers are probably just as weak as I am,  they are also as honest as I am. My prayers are not eloquent or proper but they are special because they are raw and real and they are the words from my soul to my Father. The words we pray are special to God because they are requests from us that only He can fulfill.
I was honored to have heard some of the most beautiful prayers last night as many Christians came together to pray outside the home of some dear friends in our community. I heard beauty and I heard broken. As I stood there holding hands with two strangers (to me anyway ;-) ) I wondered which prayer is more delightful to The Lord. Is it the beautiful ones that flow almost like song lyrics and make perfect sense that prompt us to say "amen" as the person prays. Or the ones like mine, broken and confusing with long pauses to keep from crying. I have been known to move quickly from one request, to a praise, to a completely different request during my prayers (Yes I suppose my ADHD shows even in my prayer life). While I heard two very different types of prayers both types were so powerful that I felt the need at times to get down on my face and just praise. I pictured the holy spirit moving swiftly through our circle of prayer to the family and through the family. I felt power, and I felt Jesus. I heard all different kinds of requests on behalf of the family being spoken simultaneously, and I know He heard them all. I felt it in my bones and I felt it in my very being. I can only begin to imagine how the ones being prayed for felt in that moment of pure power! If you doubt God then step into the middle of a line of believers linked and praying together for one purpose, believing that God is who He says He is. You will leave that circle changed and that's a promise. Sometimes God just shows up and He shows out big time. Other times we feel his quiet presence and we know we have just witnessed something amazing. I pray every person reading this gets to experience love like that at least once in this life.
You may have noticed that I refer to songs and lyrics often. That's because I love music and I relate to music. At times when I don't know how or what to pray a song will come to me and I simply sing it to The Lord. When I thought about all the different people praying in all different ways yet all for one family, I was reminded of an Amy Grant song. 'Better than a hallelujah' here are a few of the lyrics:

"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out..."

Its obvious to me and everyone who was there that God showed Himself last night. I like to think that the mixture of prayers all going up were like the perfect song to Him. I like to picture His angels all around our circle smiling as they watched us lay us our pride down and pray aloud for that precious man and his family. Maybe all of our prayers, the beautifully spoken ones and the broken confusing ones came together in Heaven and formed a perfect Love song on behalf of a family who is loved more than they will ever know.

Psalms 145:18 The LORD is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth

Psalm 4:1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.

Isaiah 65:24 Even before they call, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will hear.

Steve and Kim Dillard

Now that's some people getting ready to PRAY!

Loving by example

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.

My heart is heavy with thoughts of all the people I pray for daily. I have been thinking so much about them and the circumstances surrounding a few of them in particular. Two couples come to my mind immediately. One is a woman who is fighting for her life, another a man. Both fighting cancer and both fighting to live. Both of these people have the most precious God given spouses anyone could ask for.
As I pray for the sick ones, I find myself thinking about the position the spouse is in. They want so badly to make it all go away so they don't have to consider not growing old with the one they love so much. They can't "do" anything, what a horrible, helpless feeling. I cannot imagine having to sit on my hands and wait for someone else to tell me if they can heal my husband so we can continue our lives together. Having no choice but to leave the future of their lives together in the hands of God almighty and the doctors has got to be just to much. As most people say they would do anything for their children, we should feel the same about our spouses. I would do anything for my husband and he has done close to the same for me. No, I can't say it has always been that way. Marriage is hard, its just HARD. Its a full time job, and lots of people treat it like a job and when they grow tired of it they quit.
I pray not to step on toes here, but this is something I feel I need to say. There are many people that I know who take their spouse and their beautiful lives together for granted. why on earth does it take a personal tragedy to bring some people close? I have no idea, but that is what happened for my marriage. Losing Jackson shook us to our core. As the foundation we built as a family crumbled and the dust cleared we were left standing together and stronger than ever. I credit that fully to God, there is no marriage that can survive what we have and continue to grow and thrive without Christ. I cannot imagine my life without my Josh, and that makes my prayers for my friends so much more real. No marriage is perfect because no human is perfect.
I want us all to thrive in our marriages, grow in true love and respect while we can. It should not take such tragedy as it did for me to SEE and appreciate what I truly have.
My husband and I both come from divorced families. So I speak with an honest heart when I say I fully understand that some divorce cannot be helped. For some families divorce can be turned into a blessing as was the case for my family. I would not have a father and my children would not have a grandpa if not for my parents divorce and her marriage to the man who raised me. I only wish that before some couples made the choice to chase what they believe to be happiness that they could see through my friends eyes. SEE through eyes and hearts that suffer for the ones they love before choosing another route. My friends want nothing more than to see their spouse live, to live the life they had planned on their wedding day. Maybe if your reading this you will try and SEE what you have. See your spouse for who they are and make the choice to love them. Love is not always (or ever, ;-) ) butterflies and Hallmark channel romance. Its work and its hard and it's beautifully messed up. Sometimes we cry and sometimes we wonder why we married this person in the first place (because obviously we are perfect and they are blind ), sometimes we just get tired of trying. In my opinion, most of all, marriage is worth every second of hard work you put into it. After all, the Lord himself thinks enough of marriage that we will all one day be the bride of Christ!
Please keep my friends and all the other people out there watching the ones they love suffer in your prayers. Pray that God will heal and restore them and that the people watching will SEE what love and being a servant really is by watching these precious families. May all our awful struggles bring glory to our savior. And may God restore all of our marriages and make us SEE what really  matters.

Lone soldier

Hebrews 5:8-9Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. ⁹ And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him.

I wrote a complete blog and then, I erased it (several times). I am feeling very anxious lately yet I have the strong pull to write this blog. I am praying that whatever comes out, it won't be as all over the place as I'm feeling as I write it.
I struggle, like most Christians to be obedient to God. Its not because I don't want to obey, its because....its very hard. Its hard to be led to put your life on the internet. It's hard to back down from my own ways and let God use me. Sometimes I just fight it and don't realize that I'm ignoring Him. Other times I turn my head and hope the persistence goes away. God being a God of His word He is not changing his mind. He is eternal, as is His plan. When He calls us to do something, its for a reason. Fight as I may, He will always win and even though it's hard I know its for a purpose so much bigger than me. So here goes.....
I get very irritated when I read or hear the phrase "God saves his hardest battles for his strongest soldiers". I have no idea why but today I read that by a well meaning person and I just got so........I don't know, irritated. The thought that I (along with many others) may have been chosen by God to battle the worst tragedy I can imagine, for what, because I'm a strong soldier? That makes no sense to me, whoever coined that phrase should be the poster child for pep talks. I mean, I'm picturing my God on His throne saying "no wait, save that battle for Ronnie and Josh Orman, they are stronger soldiers." That's just not how it happens, it can't be.
When I get this anxious and overwhelmed I know I need to find biblical support. I have to find something in THE word that says that God would put un thinkable things on me because I'm a "strong soldier." I can not find that in scripture. What I did find (and not by chance) is this:

2 Chronicles 20:17 you do not have to fight this battle. position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD. He is with you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Tomorrow, go out to face them, for the Lord is with you.

I am not a fan of taking one bible verse and basing things on one verse instead of backing up a bit to see what the whole story is (this is great story please read it!). However, I fell in love with this particular verse. Its like God is speaking it to me personally today as I cringe over someone attempting a pep talk or a kind word. So you see why I refuse to believe He saved the most horrendous battle for me and my family? He wouldn't do that, He wants to fight for us so that we don't have to get beat down in any battle be it spiritual or physical. If we are following His will and listening for his commands, we shouldn't have to fight so hard and feel so alone doing it. He is always fighting for us, we just have to get out of the way.
My battle today is that it is 20 days until Jackson should be having his 9th birthday party. I think a lot of my anxiety goes back to my previous blog "The search". We, as parents never stop searching for our child, we also never stop thinking about things that should be happening in their lives. My mom brain knows that I'm supposed to be doing something very important, like mailing out invitation's for Jacksons party. The party we wont be having here on Earth. Even when I'm not thinking about it, I am thinking about it. Its a struggle a spiritual battle. I suppose we are all soldiers in a sense, but I don't believe that the stronger ones are picked on to fight the most horrendous battles. When I back up and let God lead the battle the way it's intended then I become part an army more than one lone soldier. I would rather consider myself a soldier in Gods army than "the strongest soldier taking on the hardest battles."

 

Heaven's Horses

Job 39:19-35
19 "Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane? 20 Do you make him leap like a locust, striking terror with his proud snorting? 21 He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength, and charges into the fray. 22 He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; he does not shy away from the sword. 23 The quiver rattles against his side, along with the flashing spear and lance. 24 In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground; he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds. 25 At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!' He catches the scent of battle from afar, the shout of commanders and the battle cry.   

There are times in life when things just feel "off". This time of year is always that way for me. Jackson would be 9 years old this month on July 29th. I have mentioned before that the time leading up to an anniversary is as bad for me, if not worse than the actual day itself. Somehow birthdays seem to make me feel the most bitter. I think its because I feel like people have forgotten my cowboy. Recently one of his buddies had a birthday party and it looked like so much fun. They had one of those huge blow up water slides and a bunch of boys running around, a bunch of boys and not one of them was my boy. Later one of the parents whose child was there went on and on about how much fun it was. All the while I had to just avoid eye contact. I know the parent meant no harm, but it was evident that they were not considering that Jackson was not there.
Face book is also not a good place for me to be when all the parents and friends start wishing all the kids Jackson's age "Happy birthday!" and "I can't believe he/she is 9!". While these people are celebrating  their child our hearts are breaking. Let me be clear in that I am past the point of taking these things personal, I use to feel like the child's party or birthday  was being thrown in my face in a sense. Now it just makes me feel.....I don't know, jealous and sad I suppose. I want to be on face book saying "Cowboy Jackson is 9 !" instead I'll probably just post yet another pic of his last birthday, Cowboy Jackson is forever 5 and that makes me ill.
Many of you may know that my sweet Jenna Claire won 1st place in a barrel race this weekend (GO JC !! ). It has been very hard for me to allow her to even ride horses, and even harder to watch her fall in love with her pony and SEE the joy that she gets from knowing she had a good run. Its not fair for me to not want her to ride, she wants to ride and she is not Jackson. Its not fair to punish her because I live in fear that she will get hurt. I never have really given her a reason that I don't want her to ride and she has never really asked. I go to the barrel races and support her, but it's hard and I'm sure it's evident. That arena was where my cowboy took his last breath and that makes me literally sick, sick to the point that I need to grab my kids and run. Run away from any part of a life that my son loved, because even though he loved being a cowboy, its part of the reason he is not here.
Every time Jenna Claire runs her pony, I have to go to the horse trailer and hold her when it's over. At times all I can think is "this is so dumb, why are we letting her do this when it causes me such anxiety???" the answer is because she loves it.
On the way home from her big win this weekend, the baby fell asleep and Jenna Claire and I were just talking about her pony. Here is the conversation in a nutshell.
JC: " mom why are so scared when I ride?" 
Me: "because I know bad things really do happen and I'm afraid you will get hurt."
JC: "well, you do know Jackson still rides right? he never stopped. "
Me: "I suppose he does ride in heaven, is that what you mean?"
JC: "I don't think he rides, I KNOW he does."
That was that. She was 100% sure and I didn't ask her how, she already stressed that she KNOWS he continues to ride horses. I believe after that talk that she feels close to her brother when she rides, she has often said it makes her feel like she is flying. She always wants to talk about Jackson after she rides. It's a sweet reminder and for her it keeps her brother alive in her heart. I wonder again about that book I mentioned last week, I wonder if Jackson does watch her ride. When I think about it, I'm almost positive he does. I don't think she would get near the joy out of it if she didn't feel him.
I choose to believe that somehow Jenna really does KNOW that Jackson still rides. After all if you look up how many times horses are mentioned in the bible, you will SEE how the Lord obviously has the most almighty horses in heaven. What a beautiful sight when we see the Lord coming on his white horse. I'm betting Jackson will be on a horse as well, since its obvious to my 6 year daughter that old that her brother never stopped riding.

Revelations 19:11
I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war.

No man's land

~Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand

I have been having to drive to work in Jonesboro a lot the last month. I hate that drive because it's idle time and that's never good for me. I am reminded about a time shortly after Jackson went to Heaven and I was working at the hospital in Jonesboro. I would think on my home in the morning's (I worked 6p-6a) that if I just missed a curve and drove off nobody would suspect I just didn't care. They would think I fell asleep. My fear was only that I would survive it and probably just be mangled for life. Those kind of memories don't just pop up and disappear so I can go on with my work day. They leave a dark cloud, the constant reminder of a time that I had no desire to be alive without my son. I know I have talked before about being in a very bad place mentally and spiritually but I don't think it can be explained with words. The only way to know what hell on earth is , is to be the one living it. I try to explain it and share it so that you won't feel so alone if God forbid you are there or you are helping someone who is living it. I don't share because I enjoy talking about it, but I am moved to share by my God who saved me from that pit. 
The pit is full of darkness and it makes your outward appearance almost as dark. It is all consuming and I will never understand how anyone can live through it without Christ. I can only imagine that they live with bitterness and confusion on a daily basis. I was listening to KLOVE on my way to work this morning (in Jonesboro). They were playing a new song by Natalie Grant, called Hurricane. They did the artist interview where the singer tells a little about the song and what it means to them. Natalie said that when she was in a very dark place she was reminded of the bible story in Matthew 14:29
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

She pointed out that Jesus did not stop the storm at that moment, he simply reached out his hand to save Peter. The point is that Jesus had the wind and rain at his command, he could have just stopped the madness and Peter would have been fine. He CHOSE to reach out through the storm to Peter. That's an amazing picture to me.
In the midst of my personal darkness it was not like a raging storm more of an eerie quietness. I was very paranoid and very lonely. I have a friend who is not suffering the loss of a child but is none the less living spiritual warfare and physical suffering. I emerged from my pit with a brand new pair of eyes to SEE how people hurt. I see her pain and it puts me on my knees. I have no idea how God works but I know He does. I am not even a reflection of who I was before the accident. I was just as saved then as I am today. But I'm a completely different woman inside now. I understand things that I didn't before and I love total strangers like they are my BFF's. I want to be clear though, the change in me did not happen overnight, it's still happening. It started when I had Jett Layton on Dec 2, 2011 and has not stopped yet. I didn't understand what it meant to grow and mature spiritually but now I SEE.  These people suffering all around us (like my friend) they need us. They need us to pray when they can't and to stand when they can't to believe when they cannot. Its perfectly human to have doubt and to just be.....well, mad!
~Mark 9:24 With tears flowing, the child's father at once cried out, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"
There are times in a believers life that they are absolutely consumed and that's where other believers need to step up. I can tell you this with 100 % honesty, I absolutely would not be the person I am today without my prayer warriors. I would cry and scream this verse (mark 9:24) at God because I knew God but I could not believe. I could not believe my God would take my son and cause my family so much agony. We were being ripped apart from the inside so where was God? He was having our prayer warriors hit their knees for us and cry out on our behalf. I feel honored now to be called to pray for others the way I was prayed for. I cannot stress how much it means and how much its our duty. I want to close with this quote, its one of my favorites.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

The perfect puzzle

~Luke 11: 1-4 Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.”
² So He said to them, “When you pray, say:

Our Father in heaven
Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
³ Give us day by day our daily bread.
⁴ And forgive us our sins,
For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.”

 

I grew up going to a Cumberland Presbyterian church where this prayer was said often so I learned it at an early age. However, I just recently learned to pray it as I understand the actual meaning and don't just recite it. This is the absolute perfect prayer for lots of reasons number one being that Jesus specifically said "When you pray, say:" That should be enough but I think this prayer is probably not used as often as it should be. When I break it down and read it I see this: Lord in Heaven your name is Holy, Let your kingdom come down and be on Earth what it is in Heaven, Let your will be done for us. give us food today and forgive us for our sins as you help us learn to forgive others. Keep us from temptation and save us from the evil one.

Keep in mind that I am no bible scholar and this is JUST WHAT I SEE when I read this. What do you see when you read it? Maybe it's like the rest of the bible in that it speaks differently to different people. I probably see the Kingdom of Heaven coming down because that is what I long for most, to be whole again, and to be near my Savior. Maybe you will relate more to being kept safe from the evil ones temptations. The  beauty of the bible and this prayer is that its THE living word! There is nothing that we need to know that is not in there. The bible is not a total history book of the Earth, its a guide to our salvation and it lives today and everyday. It will teach us how to live and how to be alive.

There is also a lot that I wish was included in the bible. I understand what I type, that the word is a guide to how we can be alive and be free! However, it's like everything else I still have my "why's" hanging around. For instance (you knew it was coming right?) . Why does my will for this life have to be so different than God's ? There is a reason for that, the reason is that I am only human and I can only SEE one tiny piece of the puzzle. Think about how small of a piece one life is compared to all the other lives that have been or will be! The beauty is that one life (or puzzle piece) has the potential to affect thousands and thousands of pieces, ultimately finishing the perfected work of the most perfect artist. Without one single tiny piece the puzzle is not complete. He needs us, but He needs us to do His work so the puzzle will be perfect in the end. If each of us had an easy, pain free life how would that effect others and bring them to Christ? How could the perfect unscathed human life bring hope to another? Our lives here are sometimes broken, full of heartache, and physical and emotional pain that is at times unbearable, but it's all for a purpose. 

The truth is (and this is not news to anyone who knows me personally)I have always hated puzzles.  My kids have zero puzzles in my home and not a soul who knows me would dare give them one. I don't have the patience to keep digging through the huge pile to find the right piece. Then I think "who cares its just gonna be the picture on the box when we get done slaving away, I already know what it will be!" Its a pointless mess in my opinion. The difference is that we don't know what God's masterpiece puzzle will look like. It looks like a pointless mess to us but you can bet it will be beautifully broken in spots and utterly perfect.  We will SEE the puzzle complete and I dare to say that I believe it will be in my lifetime. Maybe that's because I want it so badly.

 

~Philippians 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him

 

Seeing is not believing

Matthew 18:1-4
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "who is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven?" he called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore  however humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."


Tonight Jenna Claire (6) rode in the barrel race and won 2nd place on her pony! She had an amazing run and she was so excited. I couldn't help but think about how proud Jackson would be of her. When she was very small I recall how excited Jackson would get when she was able to accomplish something new. "MOM, Jenna just opened the fridge ALL by herself!!" I mean he was such a great big brother. He would truly be excited saying "Yay sister you did it!" It breaks my heart that Jenna Claire and Jett are being robbed of that kind of support in their big brother.
I used to firmly believe that people in Heaven could not see us here on Earth, nor would they want to. I have been questioning this theory more and more lately, almost on a daily basis. I think I must have placed that belief on Rev 21:4 (my favorite verse in the entire bible) It specifically says there will be no more tears in Heaven. I guess I just assumed that if Jackson could see that he was separated from us it would cause him pain and I know there is NO pain in Heaven.
I don't fully think that way anymore. I think God may give them glimpses of us when it's the good stuff, like Jenna Claire placing in the barrel race. I am not sure of that, but its a feeling I have now. I am reading a book written by an author who works in a Children's hospital and counsels the family's of dying children. She wrote the book to tell of the wonderful faith of those children and the encounters some of them had as their time on earth grew short. One story struck a cord with me. There was boy who had 5 little sisters, he was 10 years old and he was dying of a rare blood disease. He was a wonderful big brother and his little sisters all absolutely adored him. This boy was not afraid to die, his fear was leaving his little sisters. He said he felt his purpose in life was to help guide his little sisters and he was torn about leaving them to go to Heaven. The counselor was paged by the hospital one morning to this child's room. He was very close to death and he wanted to see her. He proceeded to tell her that Jesus had visited him and told him not to be afraid for his sisters, that he would be allowed to guide them from Heaven when needed. This boy drew a picture of he and Jesus looking down on his sisters and that little boy was able to let go and go to Heaven.
Now I don't know what that boy saw, but I guarantee he saw Jesus. There is no peace on Earth like the peace only Christ can give. I have no doubt Jesus Himself told that sweet boy to let go and that his sisters would be taken care of. This particular story of many in this book really got me thinking again about what the people in Heaven see. There are many amazing accounts this woman shares in the book about children seeing angels and talking to them right before death. There is no doubt that those children saw peace, not one of them was afraid for themselves. They were all concerned about the family they were leaving behind.
We have so much to learn, we need to learn it from children. The reason we can't see angels among us is because we are so jaded by what the world tells us we should be able to see. I told Jenna Claire that there are mermaids in the lake we go to because she likes mermaids and its fun story. When we are riding along in the boat we will point and say "Look I just saw one jump out of the water!"She loves the thought of that and she believes that because no one has told her that mermaids are not real. The reason people don't experience the love and peace of Christ is because they are to worried that He won't or can't do what He says He will do. We are to grown up, and that's the problem. I think I'm able to SEE things a little more clear because of my longing to learn anything I can about the place I'm headed. My son is there, and that part of me is there. I know its real because part of me LIVES there. I would feel it in my bones if it were not so. I believe it because I have seen Christ in my despair and let me tell you HE LIVES. We do not serve a dead God, our God is alive and as Jenna Claire sings on a daily basis "He's living on the inside roaring like a lion!" She knows that and Jackson knew it, because they feel him and no one has dared tell them it's a lie. If you don't believe come talk to me, I know Him. We have to resist the temptation to understand everything. We don't need to understand it we need to trust Him and believe Him. When the time comes and I take my very last breath I know where I will be when my eyes open again. I can assure you this is not all there is, and I'll say and AMEN to that any day.

John 20:27 Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach our your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."